Sovereign of Vatican City
Pope Francis

Jeffrey Bruno / Wikimedia Commons

Kate: Your Holiness, thank you for agreeing to this imaginary interview.

Pope: Actually, I don’t think I—

Kate: Let’s get down to business! First, I just want to tell you that, more than anyone else since Daniel Tiger, you have inspired me to try to be a better person.

Pope: That is wonderful.

Kate: I can’t even remember the last time I bore false witness against my neighbor. Well, I guess it was yesterday. But that was the first time in a while!

Pope: That’s…uh…

Kate: When I read about how you used to sneak out of the Vatican at night to buy food for homeless people, I got all choked up.

Pope: Ah…well, I can’t comment on…

Kate: Part of that was because I was eating peanuts at the time, and I was choking on a peanut. But it was still pretty emotional!

Pope: Oh. OK.

Kate: So, what are your holiday plans? Do you have grandkids coming to visit or something?

Pope: Uh…no. As usual, I’ll be delivering my annual Christmas Day message from the balcony of St. Peter’s Basilica.

Kate: Can you give us a hint as to what your message will be this year? It’s not going to be all about our callous indifference to human suffering again, is it?

Pope: …Maybe.

Kate: Because that’s getting kind of old. If you really want to grab headlines, you should talk about the new Star Wars movie.

Pope: No.

Kate: You could complain about how it’s derivative of the first Star Wars movie. No one would see it coming!

Pope: No.

Kate: Well, it’s something to think about. Anyway, next I was hoping you could clarify something that Catholic doctrine has been kind of unclear on.

Pope: Go ahead.

Kate: Is it a sin to create a website that, let’s say, ranks world leaders in order of attractiveness?

Pope: Yes.

Oh. Huh. You didn’t even hesitate there, did you? Well, I was just asking for my neighbor. My evil, evil neighbor.

Pope: Hmm. Look at the time! I’m afraid I have to go. I have a canonization to get to.

Kate: Huh. Is that where you turn someone into a cannon?

Pope: …No.