Before you elect someone to the most powerful office in the nation, it’s important to look at a photo of them from when they were young. For one thing, you want to make sure they are aging as time passes, because that is how you weed out the androids. But you also want to make sure they are aging in the right direction, because otherwise you could end up with a Benjamin Button situation on your hands. (And we are not even kidding about that. If we elect Marco Rubio and then find out he has the Benjamin Button disease, after two 4-year terms he will be only 10 years old!)
So do your patriotic duty and review these photos of presidential candidates when they were young and dishy. (Then do your other patriotic duty and follow us on Facebook and Twitter. OK, that’s enough patriotism for one day! Now feel free to go burn a flag or whatever.)
OH NO MARTIN O’MALLEY HAS NOT AGED SINCE 1990 HE MUST BE AN ANDROID!!!
Eh, I still might vote for him. He’s just so handsome! Plus I like his policy of no handguns for anybody except androids.
—OK Mr. Sanders, we’re all ready. If you could just look over here at the camera…
—No…that’s a tree.
—No. That’s some kind of castle.
—Eh. I’m just going to look at the tree again.
If we all try really hard, we might be able to telepathically send our thoughts back through time to young Hillary Clinton and warn her.
Young Mike Huckabee sings “You’ve Lost That Loving Feeling” to his fellow campers at logging adventure camp.
Here is a picture of young Jeb Bush sitting at his desk and thinking about exclamation marks.
On today’s episode of General Hospital, famed and heroic neurologist Ben Carson discovers that he has an evil identical twin who has stolen his identity and is running for president.
Carly Fiorina’s high school classmates voted her “Most Likely to Be Forced Out by the Hewlett-Packard Board of Directors,” which in retrospect was remarkably prescient.
A young Donald Trump gets ready for lunch.
Chris Christie wants to make sure we know that he ran with a pretty cool crowd.
If you look very closely at this picture of young Rick Santorum, you can see his rage starting to build.
John Kasich’s candidacy for the GOP nomination is basically a Manchurian Candidate situation, except instead of Red China it’s Peter, Paul and Mary.
Helloooooooooooooooooooooooooo, young Rand Paul!
(Saying “hello” for a long time is how I flirt with 35-year-old photos of Rand Paul.)
Even at an early age, Ted Cruz was working hard to build up an impressive enemies list. (He’s basically just been going through the phone book.)
Finally, here is a young Marco Rubio writing in his diary.