Running for president of the United States is practically a full-time job. And when you spend all your time shaking hands, kissing babies, and trying to shame your opponent’s wife, suddenly the day is over and you haven’t even had time to think about who will run the country if you die or (almost inevitably, with this crew) are impeached!

Well, we at Hottest Heads of State are nothing if not civic-minded. That’s why we feel so bad about the series of increasingly elaborate lies we’ve told to get out of jury duty over the years. And we want to make up for that by providing the remaining presidential candidates with some rock-solid recommendations on vice presidential picks.

Literally any one of these VP picks would guarantee a victory. So we hope only one candidate is reading this. Or else we might end up with a deadlocked election, then a deadlocked 4-4 Supreme Court, and then…hmm, what happens if there’s a contested presidential election and the Supreme Court can’t settle it? Obama stays president forever? Civil war? Both?

We’re going to start with the Republicans, then move to the Democrats next week. We’ve tried to be equally contemptuous of all of them. (Well, almost all of them.)

 

Vice President Picks for Ted Cruz

The Zodiac Killer

Wikimedia Commons

The Zodiac Killer

Announcing that he will name the Zodiac Killer as his running mate would be a great way for Ted Cruz to make people believe he is not the Zodiac killer.


giant cross

tinkerbrad / flickr.com

Giant Cross

A lot of people are wondering “Where does Ted Cruz stand on Christianity?” By naming the massive 198-foot-tall steel cross in Effingham, Illinois, as his running mate, Cruz will answer that question loud and clearly, with “I stand right here, under this gigantic cross.”


Vice President Picks for John Kasich

Your dad

Your dad

Your dad would make a great running mate for John Kasich.


William Allen statue

USCapitol / flickr.com

The Statue of Former Ohio Governor William Allen in the U.S. Capitol’s Statuary Hall

John Kasich needs a running mate who isn’t going to overshadow him with a bunch of flashy charm and slick talk, and who isn’t in a position to one-up his stories about working in the Reagan administration.


Vice President Picks for Donald Trump

Chris Christie

youtube.com

Chris Christie

Just as a morbid experiment, it would be interesting to see what Christie looked like after eight years of being demeaned and humiliated by Trump. Because he already looks like it’s been eight years.


Bill Clinton

Bob McNeely / The White House

Bill Clinton

This is how Trump will drive a wedge between Bill and Hillary. And I’ll be honest: I think Bill would go for it.


Vladimir Putin ignoring you

Image credit: kremlin.ru

Putin

But why should Trump settle for someone who looks like Putin when he could get the real thing? Putin is highly qualified. He is probably at least 35 years old, he might have papers from his KGB days saying that he’s a natural-born US citizen, and he has said of Trump, “He is a bright and talented person without any doubt,” which is going to be the first line of the new national loyalty oath if Trump is elected.


foam finger

Chris Metcalf / flickr.com

A big foam pointy hand

It’s certainly not low-energy!

Actually, on second thought, this is a terrible idea. President Trump doesn’t need some giant hand upstaging him at the State of the Union every year.


Iron Sheik

Randy Stewart / blog.stewtopia.com

The Iron Sheik

A good Trump running mate would check multiple boxes. Can he get physical with reporters if the need arises? Can he show that Trump won’t pick people who are part of the broken system in Washington? Will his mere existence provide Trump with a rhetorical point when he needs to regularly deny being a bigot? Check, check, check!


Newt Gingrich interview

Gage Skidmore / flickr.com

Newt Gingrich

In Gingrich, Trump would have a running mate who brings a certain level of establishment credibility and relationships. A certain level. Plus he would have a running mate who is willing to get out there and shill for Trump’s books, like in the above interview with Slate.


Donald Trump

Michael Vadon / Wikimedia Commons

Donald Trump

Show Mr. Trump where in the Constitution it says that the president and vice president can’t be the same person. Show him! (And if it does say that, it’s because of those idiot politicians in Philadelphia. Nobody in the business world would make that deal, believe me.)


See our picks for the Democratic candidates!