Last week we gave the remaining GOP candidates some suggestions on who they should choose as running mates. But now the Democratic candidates are (probably) saying, “What about us? We don’t know who to choose as running mates either! And we need some ideas, or we’ll end up just picking someone at random from the crowd at the convention, like Kerry did with John Edwards.”
Well, OK! As promised, here are our VP picks for the Democratic candidates, each one more real and serious than the last. Enjoy!
Vice President Picks for Hillary Clinton
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All those Millennials conveniently positioned behind Hillary at every televised speech
All of them. They can travel around together in an armored SUV and pile out like a bunch of clowns at the circus whenever Hillary needs them to cast a tie-breaking vote in the Senate or something.
I refuse to call Megyn Kelly a bimbo, because that would not be politically correct. Instead I will only call her a lightweight reporter!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) January 27, 2016
Megyn Kelly
So, this pick would not please the Democratic base. But it would drive Donald Trump so insane with rage and thwarted lust that he might literally melt into a puddle of orange wax at the first debate against Hillary, when he sees Megyn sitting in the front row, smirking at him.
The only downside here is that Kelly might actually be a robot sent from the future for some currently unknown and potentially nefarious purpose. But eh, I’m OK with that.
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Bill Clinton
Vice Presidents are impeachable, so this might help Hillary pick up some votes from Republicans who want another shot at Bill.
Someone else who has been paid millions of dollars to give speeches to Wall Street banks but refuses to release the transcripts
Hillary needs to make sure there’s someone else in the race with unreleased Wall Street speech transcripts, so she can keep using the excuse that she won’t release her own transcripts until everyone else does. (Actually, this might be another reason to tap Bill as her VP!)
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Henry Kissinger
If Hillary wins the nomination she’s going to finally be able to stop pandering to Bernie voters. What better way to show them who’s boss than naming the ancient and powerful rich Henry Kissinger as her running mate?
Donald Trump
Sure, why not. Have Trump on both the GOP and Democratic tickets. It’ll be like living through a scene in a Saw movie. And people love those movies!
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Goldman Sachs
Corporations have personhood. But in a mockery of everything our Founding Fathers stood for, they are taxed despite having no representation in government! None whatsoever! If elected, Hillary could make history by appointing the first-ever corporation vice president. (I guess technically she’d already be making history by being the first woman president, but eh. I think we’re all kind of over that.)
Kyle Cassidy / Wikimedia Commons
Chelsea Clinton
According to the curse, if nine years pass without a Clinton on the Democratic ticket, the beast will awaken from its slumber and devour the world. So it’s probably a good idea to get Chelsea started in politics now, because Hillary won’t be able to keep running for president every eight years indefinitely. (Unless that other curse comes true.)
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Internet Cat Video
This would be a great way for Hillary to balance the ticket. She would bring experience and steely determination, while the cat video would bring warmth, favorability, and the human touch.
Vice President Picks for Bernie Sanders
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Rep. Peter Welch (D – VT)
By picking Vermont’s sole member of the House of Representatives as his running mate, Sen. Sanders (I – VT) can create the first Vermont-only presidential ticket in history! This would almost certainly deliver Vermont for the Democrats in the general election.
Pete Souza / Official White House Photo
Barack Obama
YOU GUYS I HAVE FIGURED OUT A LOOPHOLE IN THE SYSTEM.
Michael Douglas
Bernie’s railing against Wall Street greed is getting a little stale. It would spice things up to have Michael Douglas on stage, in character as Gordon Gecko from the movie Wall Street, to serve as a living, breathing villain whom Bernie’s crowds can boo and hiss. Plus, if he ever needs to look presidential he can do some of his lines from The American President, just like Ted Cruz does.
A dog-eared copy of A People’s History of the United States
Bernie can really “throw the book” at the Republicans by naming Howard Zinn’s lefty history book as his running mate. And in the Vice Presidential debate, the Republican can debate the audiobook version (narrated by Matt Damon!) Here, let’s see how that will work.
Moderator: “Book, what specifically would a Sanders administration do to close the gender gap in pay?”
Book (in Matt Damon’s soothing voice): “The women attended clan meetings, stood behind the circle of men who spoke and voted, and removed the men from office if they strayed too far from the wishes of the women.”
Andrew Rusk / Wikimedia Commons
Noam Chomsky
Yeah, what the hell. Why not. Let’s ride this thing all the way. YOLO.