Just as Adam Smith predicted, the invisible hand of the free market guides Hallmark to churn out approximately five million new Christmas movies every year. That’s a lot! To help them out, we’ve come up with some plot ideas for next year. Hallmark is free to use these as long as they cast J.D. as the jerky boyfriend who gets dumped in favor of the more handsome guy who loves Christmas. (He will also accept “grizzled blue-collar guy who imparts hard-earned wisdom to the young, wealthy protagonist.”)
Christmas Ghost Ship
High-powered New York attorney Piper Starr thought she’d be spending the holidays at a luxury resort in the Bahamas—not trapped aboard a 19th century tall-masted whaling ship crewed entirely by ghosts! What’s more, the ship’s handsome and mysterious ghost captain is harboring a shocking secret: He loves Christmas!
Frazzled interior decorator Madison just wanted a fun, no-strings-attached fling with her local mall Santa. But when her ultrasound shows a baby with a long beard, smoking a tiny pipe, she starts to wonder…could her one-night-stand have been with the real Santa?
The Christmas Barn
On a trip back home to Rattling Muffler, Tennessee, ambitious New York career girl Amy learns that her effete, latte-sipping boyfriend doesn’t even know how to raise a barn. Disgusted with the shallow materialism and inauthenticity of urban life, she mobilizes a guerilla army to liquidate the bourgeoisie, empty the cities, and reset the clock to Year Zero.
Christmas Ghost Ship 2
The Christmas Ghost Ship sets sail for the North Pole to save Christmas, because the polar ice cap has started to melt away in the summer, and hundreds of elves are perishing in the frigid Arctic Ocean.
Oh Christmas Tree
Seven intertwined stories about young, attractive couples whose lives are destroyed in one way or another by artificial Christmas trees.
Miracle on the Ranch
Jenn travels home to the family ranch for Christmas, only to learn that it has fallen on hard times and the bank is about to foreclose. She hopes for a Christmas Miracle that will bring in some revenue…and gets one when she meets Robin Mardeusz, the hunky young manager of a local glue factory.
A Christmas Kiss 3: Space Elevator
Weirdly prosperous magazine Trend has expanded from fashion publishing into ferrying cargo to near-earth orbit via a 22,200 mile-high space elevator. Ambitious editorial assistant Noelle is couriering a shipment of liquid nutrients on the elevator when it breaks down, and she finds herself trapped with handsome trillionaire Trig McGillihan…forcing her to stop focusing so much on her career, and start focusing on love, and also on how much oxygen they have left.
(Fun cameo by Elisabeth Röhm, reprising her role as Priscilla Hall in A Christmas Kiss 1 and 2. In A Christmas Kiss 3, Hall has become even wealthier and uploaded her consciousness to the space elevator’s operating system.)
Love Actually: The Prequel
Sam’s mom’s health gradually deteriorates until she eventually succumbs to her illness.