I regret to inform you that it’s time for our annual report on top search terms. As you may recall from the 2015 and 2016 editions, in this report we look at some of the search terms that brought people to this website, in an attempt to satisfy the public’s bottomless hunger for search-related humor.
I can’t think of a natural way to segue from that to our upcoming book, but I cannot post a piece in January 2018 that doesn’t note that we have a book coming out at the end of the month.
And now, without further ado: search terms.
“Is Ian Khama married?”
Nope! But you should stop procrastinating. 2018 can be the year you finally make an honest prime minister out of Ian Khama.
“ian khama wife”
That’s you, if you play your cards right!
“Amazon”
This site is, in fact, one way to reach amazon.com. If you like Amazon, why not bookmark this page and click here whenever you want to visit Amazon?
“Justin Trudeau boxing”
Guys I just thought up a great sequel to the Nintendo game “Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out.”
“What was that one hot president?”
Lincoln. You’re thinking of Abraham Lincoln.
“erotic literature vladimir putin”
Does Kate’s Putin fan fiction qualify as “erotic literature”? That’s really two questions, and the answer to both is “no.”
“dalia grybauskaite fake”
Lithuanian President Dalia Grybauskaite is actually one of the realest people you’ll ever meet.
“Erin azali photos sexy”
We do not know who Erin Azali is. Is Google going to start just throwing us up as a search result when people search for “photos sexy”? If so, then we are going to buy a bigger house.
“presedents by hotness”
This feels just a hair away from a list of precedents by hotness, so we’re going to do those instead.
- U.S. v. Nixon
- Brown v. Board of Education
- Mapp v. Ohio
- Marbury v. Madison
- Miranda v. Arizona
“malawi voice obama 666”
A classic makes a return visit to our list for the third year running. If we keep including this on our list, eventually we’ll be the top result for this weirdly common search, at which point we’re going to invent some explanation for “malawi voice obama 666” and start spreading it.
“Gerald Ford model”
Gerald Ford was, in fact, a successful fashion model in college. But “model” is a versatile word and maybe this person was looking for a scale-model version of Gerald Ford for their nightstand, or their glove compartment.
“dp with Canadian pm”
This is not that kind of site, people.
“How many people in the usa can say all the presedents names in order?”
I will tell one person in the usa who cannot: presidential history book co-author J.D. Dobson.
“hottest day in the united states”
Wednesday.
“who was the only signer of the declaration of independence that was mormon”
Well, the Declaration of Independence was signed in 1776. So…
“Who did not sign declaration of independence.”
Any Mormons.
“handsome hunk joe biden”
The full search here should be:
Handsome Hunk Joe Biden: My Life in Politics.
The Unauthorized Autobiography of Former Vice President Joe Biden
Foreword by Joe Biden
“Who is the president of the United States?”
Oh man, have I got some bad news for you. You’re about to wish you hadn’t woken up from that coma!
“heads of tate beautiful wives”
We love the phrase “heads of Tate”!!! That’s a sitcom waiting to be written, about a guy named Tate and his collection of human heads. Will the hapless Tate ever meet a girl who won’t be put off by the heads? You’ll just have to tune in to find out!
“who was the sexiest leader in wwii”
The answer is Chiang Kai-Shek.
“kolinda grabar-kitarovic measurements”
This is one of nineteen different searches from people trying to learn more about the body proportions of Croatian PM Kolinda Grabar-Kitarovic. This happens every year. And I want to keep mentioning it in our search term roundup, because I want these people to end up here so I can tell them PRIME MINISTERS DO NOT TYPICALLY REPORT THEIR BODY MEASUREMENTS TO THE PUBLIC, EVEN IF THEY ARE WOMEN.
“president of usa who looks like ryan gosling”
For now, we would say “Franklin Delano Roosevelt.” But depending on how far in the future you’re reading this, the answer might be “Ryan Gosling.”
“www.hottest.cow”
Love it. LOVE THIS URL. I do want to be clear, however, that if you actually try this as a search term you will get videos of livestock mating. The first one Google served up to me was titled—and I am not kidding—“World’s Boiling HOT Bull Cow-Mating.” It does appear to depict a bull and a cow mating, but I did not watch the video so cannot speak to whether it is boiling hot.
“List of head of state recomedation”
We recommend this one!
“bailey v drexel furniture”
I am not an attorney, but I did try really hard to accurately describe all the Supreme Court cases mentioned in our “Taft’s top cases” piece. So I’m comfortable with some Constitutional Law student using this site to cram for their final.
“russian men in 1940’s”
The 1940s were a tough decade for Russian men. If you meet a genie who offers to transform you into a Russian man living in any decade you choose, do not pick the 1940s.
“Did vice president william rufus king from alabama have a secret”
Well, define “secret.”
“Illuminati heads of state”
All of them. What is the point of having an Illuminati if it can’t control every national government?
“Patrice talon email address”
Try patrice.talon@mail.gouv.bj
“Hottest heads of state swimsuit”
This is a good opportunity to mention that we did a great piece on U.S. presidents in their swimsuits and it got very few clicks, and we won’t do an international version unless more of you lazy people read it.
“i want to be president of the united states”
Looks like Missouri Governor Eric Greitens has formed an exploratory committee.
“american president harris trooman”
I would vote for Harris Trooman.
“world,s most sexy democracy”
Answering this question is why we have a procession of athletes at the Olympics opening ceremonies.
“jovenel moise from blah blah to action”
If you have been trying to choose a title for your biopic about Haitian President Jovenel Moïse, we offer you this.
“the most escorted head of state”
We don’t know for sure, but Donald Trump seems like a solid guess.
“Bashar al assad is most beautiful president in the world”
Is there some other president named Bashar al Assad we don’t know about?
“vladimir putin’s piercing eyes”
Oh come on now.
“marco rubio shirtless”
This person should try writing to Marco Rubio’s Senate office and requesting a shirtless photo. That guy’s thinking about 2020.
“When someone points out that “you’re young man” how to reply her”
I really need more context before answering this question.
And, last but not least:
“pope benedict star wars”
Although Disney is going a little overboard with the Star Wars spinoffs, I would probably watch this.