As we’ve learned, democracy can be pretty scary. And sometimes, the scariest part is finding out election results. Let’s take a look at some of the most hair-raising potential outcomes we could see come out of the November midterms.
1. Frustrated by their choices, millions of voters reject the major party candidates and write in “No one!”
Then, on January 20, a faceless, spectral figure appears in the skies above Washington and begins its slow but inexorable descent toward the Capitol building. (Sort of like Mary Poppins! But not as scary.)
2. You forget that the midterms are on November 6, and so you don’t vote.
When your grandchildren ask you in thirty years “What did you do to stop all this?” you don’t really have a good answer. And so they decide to sacrifice you to the sandstorm god. Because someone has to be sacrificed every spring in order to keep the sandstorms out of Los Angeles.
3. You turn on your computer and see this fucking thing again.
4. The polling place volunteer checks your name against the voting rolls. She looks at you, then at the registration list, then back at you. Her voice is quivering as she whispers, “But…you’ve already been here!”
Then she says, “Oh but don’t worry! I don’t think you’re trying to commit voter fraud by voting twice. Despite the claims of people who push for voter ID laws, in-person voter fraud is about as common getting struck by lightning. So it would be extremely unlikely to have someone trying to vote twice! It was probably just a robot doppelganger designed to murder and replace you.”
5. You are an eligible voter, but you don’t vote on November 6.
J.D. finds out you didn’t vote, and he puts on his voter turnout mask and comes to your house to discuss the importance of voting.
6. On your way to the polling place, you see a hitchhiker standing by the side of the road and you’re reminded of that old ghost story about a hitchhiker and you get really freaked out.
7. The 2020 presidential election cycle begins.