It’s that time of year again: The time of year when you are forced to buy gifts for your friends and family members, and—in doing so—reveal that you know nothing about their hobbies, tastes, or interests.
Just as Adam Smith predicted, the invisible hand of the free market guides Hallmark to churn out approximately five million new Christmas movies every year. That’s a lot! To help them out, we’ve come up with some plot ideas for next year. Hallmark is free to use these as long as they cast J.D. as the jerky boyfriend who gets dumped in favor of the more handsome guy who loves Christmas. (He will also accept “grizzled blue-collar guy who imparts hard-earned wisdom to the young, wealthy protagonist.”)
Shopping for presents for anyone other than yourself is horrible. But we’re here to help you out with some easy, last-minute gift ideas that you can give to literally anyone, as long as you don’t care about taking their interests/taste/etc. into account.
It goes without saying that you have already preordered several copies of our book, Hottest Heads of State, so that you have one for each room of your house. But did you know you can also give it as a Christmas or Hanukkah gift, even though it doesn’t come out until January 30? All you need is glue, a printer, and the courage to give something you printed out and glued together as a gift.
If you haven’t read our series of Putin Fan Fiction yet, I recommend doing so, and then this will make (slightly) more sense. Just explain to your family that they’ll have to postpone celebrating Christmas for another five or six hours, because you’re reading fan fiction about Vladimir Putin.