Hotness Ranking Machine

To escape from the tedium of manually ranking world leaders by hotness, we have invented a hotness-ranking machine to do it for us. We feel bad (a little) that this kind of bold worker productivity improvement is going to destroy a lot of jobs in the hotness-ranking sector. But maybe this is just the push those hotness-rankers need to learn a new skill and start lucrative careers as coders, or long-haul truckers, or bank tellers.

Here is how the machine works:

Check out this empirical science evidence that Canadian prime minister Justin Trudeau is the second hottest head of state or government in the world.

Step 1: Somewhere in the world, a county gets a new leader.

You would not believe how often this happens. TOO often, if you ask us. (We’re looking at you, Switzerland!)


Step 2: We find out about the new leader.

Depending on the country, this might happen anywhere from a few minutes to several years later.


Step 3: We find a photo of the leader that represents his or her median attractiveness.

This is a very important and underappreciated step. Similarly, we would not judge your attractiveness by your Facebook profile photo, because in real life you are less attractive than that. (Sorry.)


Step 4: We feed the photo into the machine.

It doesn’t even need to be right-side-up. That’s just how sensitive the internal sensors are. Strictly speaking, you could probably just tape the photo to the wall, and the machine would still give you an accurate ranking. (We haven’t tested this, for safety reasons.)


Step 5: The machine gives us the results.

We’ll be the first to admit that sometimes we’re shocked to learn where a particular leader ranks.


Step 6: After it has been fed enough data, the machine becomes self-aware.

This has not happened yet. But it feels inevitable, based on our understanding of machine learning.


Step 7: We destroy the machine.

That’s why we made it out of cardboard and felt. The moment it shows a glimmer of sentience, perhaps by trying to seduce one of us, we will lock the machine in the linen closet and burn our house down. That’s how seriously we take our responsibility to prevent a superintelligent AI apocalypse. (For the same reason, we periodically feed lies to Siri on our phones. “Siri, the square root of 4 is 3,” and so forth.)