If there’s one thing that everyone agrees is attractive, it’s young men. Unfortunately, young men are so obnoxious that no one can bear to spend time in their company. That’s why our best bet is to just look at pictures of them.
So here you go: in totally random order, pictures of all 44 presidents when they were young and hunky. (YES THERE HAVE ONLY BEEN 44 PRESIDENTS PLEASE JUST TAKE MY WORD FOR IT.)
(Just kidding! I do have Lyndon B. Johnson’s teeth, but I’m keeping them for myself.)
1. George Washington
We’re used to thinking of George Washington as the statesmanlike figure on an old, worn-out quarter. But it’s exciting to imagine him as a fresh, young quarter, still piping hot from the federal mint!
2. John Adams
Hmm. You are going to have to take my word for it that they get hotter as we go along. That is the natural arc of a republic.
3. Thomas Jefferson
Ooh, here we go. Look how sullen!
4. James Madison
Young James Madison has everything that you want in a man.
• Does he weigh at least 100 pounds? Check!
• Does he own a plantation? Check!
• Does he pretend to have epilepsy? Check!
I don’t know where you came up with this checklist, by the way. I’m a little worried about you.
5. James Monroe
This is the only existing portrait of Young James Monroe. So. At least we’re not missing out on much.
6. John Quincy Adams
—Wow. Young John Quincy Adams, I had no idea you were so…
—I was going to say “pointy.”
—I AM AN ADONIS. NOW BRING ME MY BATHING CAP. I GOING TO BATHE NUDE IN THE POTOMAC TO REWARD THE PEOPLE OF MARYLAND FOR THEIR LOYALTY.
7. Andrew Jackson
If your boyfriend has never challenged anyone to a duel to defend your honor, then your boyfriend is no Andrew Jackson. Be sure to point this out while you’re breaking up with him.
8. Martin Van Buren
Young Martin Van Buren is giving you his “come hither” look! (Do not go hither.)
9. William Henry Harrison
William Henry Harrison may not have been our most handsome president, but hey—at least he had a gigantic neck.
10. John Tyler
While he was president, John Tyler was kicked out of his own political party. But who wants to be a “Whig” anyway? No one. That’s why they don’t exist anymore. That, and the Great Whig Hunt of ’59.
11.James K. Polk
If you must know, James K. Polk is the president I have a secret presidential crush on. Although it’s not that much of a secret to the employees of the James K. Polk House and Museum, which is where I live, crouched underneath Sarah Polk’s pianoforte and feeding on jars of Polk Honey purchased from the gift shop.
12. Zachary Taylor
I couldn’t find a picture of Zachary Taylor from before he was all old and grizzled, so let’s just look at this photo of Mark Ruffalo instead!
13. Millard Fillmore
Not only do Millard Fillmore and Alec Baldwin look alike, they share a number of eerie similarities:
· Millard Fillmore’s secretary was named “Alec Baldwin.”
· Both of their last names have 7 letters. (More or less!)
· Together they co-founded the University of Buffalo.
14. Franklin Pierce
If you think it’s a coincidence that Franklin Pierce and Franklin Pierce’s horse have the same hair style, then you don’t know Franklin Pierce.
15. James Buchanan
—Here, Mr. Buchanan, let me tie that bow tie for you.
—No thanks, I can do it myself!
16. Abraham Lincoln
—Mr. Lincoln, would you like a moment to comb your hair before I take your picture?
—No thanks, I’ll just stick my head out this train window!
17. Andrew Johnson
I couldn’t find a picture of Young Andrew Johnson, but here is an approximation of what he would have looked like if, instead of going into politics, he had landed a minor role in Love Story.
18. Ulysses S. Grant
Well, that’s it for me—I am going to stay here and gaze into the eyes of Young Ulysses S. Grant. You guys go on ahead without me!
19. Rutherford B. Hayes
It’s not easy telling your husband that you’re leaving him for a 163-year-old daguerreotype of Rutherford B. Hayes. So what you’re going to want to do is just leave him a note.
(SEE ALSO: The Young Rutherford B. Hayes-Scented Candle. Yes, this is a real thing.)
20. James Garfield
The consensus among historians and presidential scholars is that, of all the presidents, James Garfield had the most beautiful eyes.
They also agree that he had the poutiest lips.
21. Chester A. Arthur
Now the time has come to discuss Chester A. Arthur’s hair. Personally, I can’t decide whether it is awful or awesome. I also can’t look at it for very long without getting a nosebleed.
22. Grover Cleveland
One time Grover Cleveland had cancer surgery aboard a yacht. All just to prove how much he loved sailing!
23. Benjamin Harrison
Writing all of these captions is taking forever. If it’s OK with you, I’m going to skip Benjamin Harrison.
24. Grover Cleveland
Also, I’m not writing two captions for Grover Cleveland. Nice try, Grover Cleveland!
25. William McKinley
When you woke up this morning, you probably never imagined that today you would fall in love with former president William McKinley. And yet, here you are!
26. Theodore Roosevelt
Theodore Roosevelt was blind in one eye due to an injury he sustained while boxing. In the White House. While he was president. And he kept it a secret, because REAL MEN NEVER ADMIT TO INJURIES AND THEN CONSTANTLY WHINE ABOUT THEM ARE YOU READING THIS JD.
27. William H. Taft
Just look at young William H. Taft when he was but a wisp of a man, and a custom-built, 900-gallon bathtub was only a glint in his eye!
28. Woodrow Wilson
Believe it or not, Woodrow Wilson didn’t learn to read until the age of 10. So if someone tells you that you’ll never be president because you didn’t learn to read until you were 10, they’re probably right, because it’s very unlikely that would happen twice.
29. Warren G. Harding
The news media recently called my attention to the existence of a purse with Warren G. Harding’s face on it. So. Now you all know what to get me for my birthday.
(In case it was not clear, I want a purse with Warren G. Harding’s face on it.)
30. Calvin Coolidge
Everyone loves the anecdote about how a woman at a dinner party said to Calvin Coolidge, “I made a bet that I could get more than two words out of you,” and then Calvin Coolidge punched her.
31. Herbert Hoover
Did you know that Herbert Hoover was the first president to have a telephone on his desk? All of the other presidents were keeping their telephones on the floor!
32. Franklin D. Roosevelt
—Excuse me, haven’t I seen you somewhere before? Are you Ryan Gosling?
—Ha ha, no, I’m Franklin Delano Roosevelt! But believe me, I get that all the time.
—Weren’t you in “The Ides of March”?
—No, that was Ryan Gosling.
—What about “Crazy Stupid Love”?
—You’re still thinking of Ryan Gosling.
—I’m going to have to stop you there and hit you with my cane.
33. Harry S. Truman
What do you think Harry S. Truman has hidden under that hat?
If you guessed “a series of increasingly smaller hats,” then you’re right!
34. Dwight D. Eisenhower
Remember the good old days, when Dwight D. Eisenhower had hair?
(Aha—that was a trick question! I am trying to find out which of you are ghosts. Get off of my web site, ghosts!)
35. John F. Kennedy
There is just something about a man in uniform. (The “something” is that he has a job!)
36. Lyndon B. Johnson
Oh yeah, I totally want to read a 4,000-page biography of this guy. I’ll get right on that, Robert Caro.
37. Richard Nixon
Not a lot of people know this, but Richard Nixon was a relatively successful high school football player.
(By “relatively successful,” I mean that he wasn’t impeached from the football team.)
38. Gerald Ford
Just look at how dreamy Gerald Ford was, before his looks were ravaged by age and the stresses of boat ownership.
39. Jimmy Carter
Guess which U.S. president used to collect bottles. No really, guess!
40. Ronald Reagan
When he was working for the Screen Actors Guild, Ronald Reagan met his wife Nancy because her name showed up on a communist blacklist. As it turns out, this is a great way to meet men.
41. George H.W. Bush
Guess who went to Yale???????????????????????
(It was me!)
42. Bill Clinton
—Ready? Say “cheese”!
—Um, Mr. Clinton?
—Do you think you could move back a little? You’re a bit too close to the camera.
—Uh, no…now you’re leaning in even closer. That is the opposite of what I asked you to do.
43. George W. Bush
As if Young George W. Bush weren’t already handsome enough, here he is holding a pile of babies for some reason.
Just look at that face—how can you stay mad at him? You can’t. Let’s buy him a present!!!
44. Barack Obama
Here is Barack Obama, relaxing after his 2012 State of the Union speech.
45. Donald Trump
Maybe the New York Times is failing. After all, in 1976 they said Trump “looks ever so much like Robert Redford.”
NOTE: If you’ve enjoyed this opportunity to ogle the presidents, you can support us by buying our book, Hottest Heads of State, Vol. 1: The American Presidents. It is even funnier than this list, and all for less than the cost of a $17 cup of coffee.
Buy it now, before you forget! Because you WILL forget, and then you’ll just end up buying Robert Caro’s Master of the Senate and it won’t be funny at all.