The Presidents of the United States: In Order of Hotness

We welcome your comments and dissenting arguments on Twitter. Note that we only took into account the hotness of presidents during their time in office. If you would prefer to see photos of the presidents when they were all young and hunky, check out The Presidents of the United States: When They Were Young and Hunky.

If you enjoy this journey through America’s hotness history, then you are absolutely the target demographic for our new book, Hottest Heads of State: The American Presidents. I don’t want to set your expectation too high, so I’ll just say it is the greatest book ever written about the presidents, or on any subject.

1. Franklin Pierce

Here he is—the hottest American president! You’re probably thinking “Wow! Where has Franklin Pierce been all my life?” The answer is that he died in 1869.

2. James K. Polk

Without James K. Polk, we wouldn’t have the state of Oregon. Thanks for nothing, James K. Polk!

3. John F. Kennedy

Finally, someone you’ve heard of!

4. Theodore Roosevelt

Someone tried to assassinate Teddy Roosevelt by shooting him in the chest, but he survived because his CHEST WAS TOO HEAVILY MUSCLED FOR THE BULLET TO GET THROUGH. Then he went on to give a scheduled campaign speech. And nothing is sexier than a man giving a speech while covered in blood.

(SEE ALSO: The Theodore Roosevelt-Scented Candle. Etsy | Amazon)

5. Ulysses S. Grant

Ulysses S. Grant is not even pretending to care that someone is taking his photo right now. Hot!

6. Barack Obama

I know some people will disagree with me here, so I am going to lay it all out for you.
Playing basketball = hot.
Smoking cigarettes = hot.
Caring about you so much that he reads your email = hot.

7. James A. Garfield

If you think you’re in love now, wait until you see him in a fancy hat!

8. George W. Bush

Let’s put politics aside for a moment and just admit that George W. Bush is a good-looking man and we all have huge crushes on him!!!

9. Franklin D. Roosevelt

If you want a “date that will live in infamy,” then make a date with this man. Just keep your wits about you—if he offers you a “New Deal,” he may just be trying to “pack your Supreme Court,” as the kids say.

10. Thomas Jefferson

You might be familiar with Thomas Jefferson if you’ve ever seen a nickel and then fallen in love with the mysterious stranger whose profile is engraved on its surface, perhaps taking one out of your pocket every few minutes to give it gentle kisses.

11. Warren G. Harding

Warren G. Harding looks like that eagle from the Muppets who does the news. And—I’m just going to come out and say it—I find that eagle very attractive.

12. Ronald Reagan

Ronald Reagan is at a disadvantage in this competition, because he wasn’t elected until he was almost 70. But still, he was a pretty good-looking 70-year-old man! Which is more than Andrew Jackson could say.

(SEE ALSO: The Ronald Reagan-Scented Candle. Etsy | Amazon)

13. Bill Clinton

I deliberately cropped this photo so that we could all experience the feeling of being uncomfortably close to Bill Clinton’s face.

14. Calvin Coolidge

Calvin Coolidge, or “Silent Cal,” was known for his trademark pick-up line in which he would stare at you without speaking until you agreed to go out with him.

15. Andrew Jackson

Congratulations, President Jackson—you’ve won the prize for “Best Hair”! Please accept this trophy shaped like your hair.

16. Harry S. Truman

Here is a man whose appearance would be radically improved with the simple addition of a neck tattoo.

17. Woodrow Wilson

Woodrow Wilson is like that stern professor you had a crush on in college until he left his academic career to run for president, so you dropped out and kept showing up at his house in the middle of the night until the Secret Service arrested you.

18. James Monroe

This is why they called it the “Era of Good Feelings”! *Respectful wolf whistle*

19. James Buchanan

I actually find James Buchanan really attractive. There. Now there are no secrets between you and I.

20. Rutherford B. Hayes

I look at Rutherford B. Hayes, and all I see is beard. So I just tried to rank him based on his beard. (His beard is great!)

21. Benjamin Harrison

Meh. This beard is nothing special.

22. George Washington

George Washington was one of the best dancers in the 13 colonies. He was also one of the largest landholders. I suspect his reputation for being a ladies’ man had more to do with the latter.

(SEE ALSO: The George Washington-Scented Candle. Etsy | Amazon)

23. George H.W. Bush

You fly a fighter off aircraft carriers in WWII, you win the Cold War against the Soviets…and your thanks is that some snotty website ranks you the 23rd hottest U.S. president. That’s democracy for you.

24. Richard Nixon

What’s not to love about a corrupt bad boy who plays by his own rules? He’s like the James Dean of presidents!

25. Herbert Hoover

Is this a photo of former U.S. president Herbert Hoover or celebrated filmmaker Orson Welles? Trick question! They were the same person. Herbert Hoover’s entire presidency was a War-of-the-Worlds-style hoax that, unfortunately, went over the heads of the gullible American people as well as several generations of historians.

26. Gerald Ford

WHY DIDN’T WE ELECT GERALD FORD WHEN HE WAS A TEENAGER YOU GUYS?????? WE NEED TO START SURVEYING HIGH SCHOOLS FOR POTENTIAL PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES SO WE DON’T MAKE THIS MISTAKE AGAIN.

27. Jimmy Carter

Jimmy Carter looks a lot happier than all of these other presidents. (He looks exactly as happy as the average peanut farmer.)

28. James Madison

James Madison wrote the Constitution, and then for 49 years he wouldn’t shut up about it.

29. Millard Fillmore

Does anyone else think it’s suspicious that Millard Fillmore and Alec Baldwin have never been seen in the same room together?

30. William McKinley

Unlike most people, William McKinley had four eyebrows!

31. Abraham Lincoln

Mary Todd Lincoln once said of her husband, “his heart is as large as his arms are long.” Yikes!

(SEE ALSO: The Abraham Lincoln-Scented Candle. Etsy | Amazon)

32. Andrew Johnson

This is Andrew Johnson’s resting bitch face.

33. Dwight D. Eisenhower

Before cabinet meetings, President Eisenhower used to insist that each and every member of his cabinet come and kiss his bald head for luck.

34. John Quincy Adams

—PUT ANOTHER PLATE IN THE DAGUERREOTYPE. THIS TIME, I WANT TO LOOK MORE EVIL.
—More evil, Mr. President? Because you already look pretty evil here.
—THAT IS NOTHING. I CAN LOOK QUITE EVIL IF I WANT TO!

35. Martin Van Buren

—Wake up, President Van Buren! It’s time to pose for your portrait!
—Huh? What? OK, go ahead–I’m ready.
—Do you want me to give you a minute to, uh, comb your sideburns?
—No.

36. William H. Taft

If I were a big fat guy, I would grow a walrus mustache, too. Way to own it, Taft!

37. Zachary Taylor

Zachary Taylor looks like he’s been through a lot.

38. John Tyler

You know the rattling sound that’s coming from your window late at night? That’s John Tyler, fresh from the swamp.

One of these nights, he’s going to figure out how to work a window latch.

39. Lyndon B. Johnson

If you have a crush on Lyndon B. Johnson, then you are going to love this photo of his gall bladder scar!

40. Donald Trump

Do your tastes run to “orange and fleshy”? If so, then maybe you should just go eat an orange.

41. Grover Cleveland

Grover Cleveland served two nonconsecutive terms, because America just needed a break.

42. William Henry Harrison

The next time you’re talking to a stranger at a cocktail party, try telling them about how William Henry Harrison was president for only 32 days. If they start to look bored, tell them you murdered a drifter and made it look like an accident. The subtle art of conversation!

43. Chester A. Arthur

You can’t tell in this photo, but those muttonchops keep going for another two feet.

44. John Adams

And here we are. Sorry, John Adams! If it’s any consolation, I bet you’ll do great on our next list, in which we rank the presidents alphabetically by last name.