Hottest Heads of State

A scientific and unbiased ranking of world leaders in order of hotness.

A Profile of Boris Johnson

Boris Johnson

Usually, you hate to see a bus drive off a cliff. But what if the bus is driving off a cliff because someone convinced the passengers that it was a good idea? Well, then at least you want to see that person where they belong: sitting in the front seat, as the bus tips over the edge and falls toward eternity.

In other news, a man who goes by the name Boris Johnson these days* is now Prime Minister of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland (UK).

Boris first rose to national prominence as a journalist, of sorts, who specialized in writing colorful and entertaining stories about the European Union that were sometimes made-up. More recently, he was the most influential backer of the 2015 “Brexit” campaign. This was the campaign that said the UK should leave the EU because…well, actually, it’s hard to remember why anyone thought this was a good idea.

In any event, now Boris is the prime minister, because he checks all of the boxes for what you’d want in a British Prime Minister:

  • Stupid hair
  • Falls into rivers
  • Born in Manhattan

I know what you’re thinking: “This guy sounds amazing. How can I hire him to come and work for me?” Well, the answer is you can’t, because—as I already told you—he’s the prime minister of the United Kingdom.

But maybe not for long! Boris has promised that he will withdraw from the EU no later than Halloween (!), even if that means “crashing out” with no agreement to help prevent things like food and medicine shortages. So, maybe “promised” is the wrong word here. You wouldn’t expect to see a headline that reads “Mayor Promises to Burn Down City Hall No Later Than Halloween.” Instead, it should read, “Mayor Threatens to Burn Down City Hall No Later Than Halloween, Is Promptly Removed From Office.” And indeed, efforts are underway to remove him from office before his Halloween (!) deadline. Will they succeed? It will be exciting to find out, in much the same way it’s exciting to find out the results of your biopsy.

*His first name is Alexander, but he switched to Boris when he started high school. On the one hand, that’s one of the many signs that his personality is a deliberately constructed facade—that he wears a goofy mask because he understands that lots of people will root for the goofy guy just to see what happens, and it’s hard to know what’s beneath that mask other than bottomless ambition. On the other hand, Boris is a pretty funny name if you’re a posh English guy and so I think it was a good call.

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Finally, Someone Invented a Hotness-Ranking Machine. (It was us!)

Hotness Ranking Machine

To escape from the tedium of manually ranking world leaders by hotness, we have invented a hotness-ranking machine to do it for us. We feel bad (a little) that this kind of bold worker productivity improvement is going to destroy a lot of jobs in the hotness-ranking sector. But maybe this is just the push those hotness-rankers need to learn a new skill and start lucrative careers as coders, or long-haul truckers, or bank tellers.

Here is how the machine works:

Check out this empirical science evidence that Canadian prime minister Justin Trudeau is the second hottest head of state or government in the world.

Step 1: Somewhere in the world, a county gets a new leader.

You would not believe how often this happens. TOO often, if you ask us. (We’re looking at you, Switzerland!)

Step 2: We find out about the new leader.

Depending on the country, this might happen anywhere from a few minutes to several years later.

Step 3: We find a photo of the leader that represents his or her median attractiveness.

This is a very important and underappreciated step. Similarly, we would not judge your attractiveness by your Facebook profile photo, because in real life you are less attractive than that. (Sorry.)

Step 4: We feed the photo into the machine.

It doesn’t even need to be right-side-up. That’s just how sensitive the internal sensors are. Strictly speaking, you could probably just tape the photo to the wall, and the machine would still give you an accurate ranking. (We haven’t tested this, for safety reasons.)

Step 5: The machine gives us the results.

We’ll be the first to admit that sometimes we’re shocked to learn where a particular leader ranks.

Step 6: After it has been fed enough data, the machine becomes self-aware.

This has not happened yet. But it feels inevitable, based on our understanding of machine learning.

Step 7: We destroy the machine.

That’s why we made it out of cardboard and felt. The moment it shows a glimmer of sentience, perhaps by trying to seduce one of us, we will lock the machine in the linen closet and burn our house down. That’s how seriously we take our responsibility to prevent a superintelligent AI apocalypse. (For the same reason, we periodically feed lies to Siri on our phones. “Siri, the square root of 4 is 3,” and so forth.)

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Which New Candle Should We Make in 2019?

I haven’t asked her specifically, but I assume that one of the many things Kate loves about me is my insistence on making weird diorama-style candles with wax miniatures that no one buys. But I don’t want her to love me TOO much, so I need to narrow down my ideas. Can you help? Please tell us which of these candles you think we should conjure into existence. You’re smart and we’ll leave it up to you to figure out how to let us know.

(Actually, we’ll tell you one way you could let us know: Take out an ad in the Sunday New York Times. We subscribe to the New York Times so we will (probably) see your ad, if it is in close proximity to the crossword.)

Global Warming Candle

Global Warming Candle

We want our candles to be funny, and nothing is as funny as global warming.

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Which U.S. President is Your Perfect Boyfriend?

Which US President is your Perfect Boyfriend

Our Valentine’s Day gift to you is a flowchart that will tell you which U.S. president you should date.

When you’re done reading it, you can print it out on six or seven pieces of paper, then tape the paper together and roll it up like a scroll. Then you can put it in your scroll bag and carry it around with you, along with all of your other scrolls!

As a final note, this took me forever to make. If you enjoy it, it seems like the least you could do is buy four or five copies of our book.

Click here to view the complete flowchart.

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John Tyler Swamp Monster Fan Fiction

John Tyler, president and swamp monster

It’s Halloween, and you know what that means—it’s time to eat a meal of Halloween candy while you read some spooky but arousing fan fiction about former U.S. president and swamp monster John Tyler! (If you were not aware that President Tyler was an ancient swamp monster, then you have not read our book and you are dead to us.) Enjoy! 

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A Profile of Boris Johnson


Everything You Need to Know About Zuzana Caputova


New Candle Explosion!