Boris Johnson

Usually, you hate to see a bus drive off a cliff. But what if the bus is driving off a cliff because someone convinced the passengers that it was a good idea? Well, then at least you want to see that person where they belong: sitting in the front seat, as the bus tips over the edge and falls toward eternity.

In other news, a man who goes by the name Boris Johnson these days* is now Prime Minister of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland (UK).

Boris first rose to national prominence as a journalist, of sorts, who specialized in writing colorful and entertaining stories about the European Union that were sometimes made-up. More recently, he was the most influential backer of the 2015 “Brexit” campaign. This was the campaign that said the UK should leave the EU because…well, actually, it’s hard to remember why anyone thought this was a good idea.

In any event, now Boris is the prime minister, because he checks all of the boxes for what you’d want in a British Prime Minister:

  • Stupid hair
  • Falls into rivers
  • Born in Manhattan

I know what you’re thinking: “This guy sounds amazing. How can I hire him to come and work for me?” Well, the answer is you can’t, because—as I already told you—he’s the prime minister of the United Kingdom.

But maybe not for long! Boris has promised that he will withdraw from the EU no later than Halloween (!), even if that means “crashing out” with no agreement to help prevent things like food and medicine shortages. So, maybe “promised” is the wrong word here. You wouldn’t expect to see a headline that reads “Mayor Promises to Burn Down City Hall No Later Than Halloween.” Instead, it should read, “Mayor Threatens to Burn Down City Hall No Later Than Halloween, Is Promptly Removed From Office.” And indeed, efforts are underway to remove him from office before his Halloween (!) deadline. Will they succeed? It will be exciting to find out, in much the same way it’s exciting to find out the results of your biopsy.

*His first name is Alexander, but he switched to Boris when he started high school. On the one hand, that’s one of the many signs that his personality is a deliberately constructed facade—that he wears a goofy mask because he understands that lots of people will root for the goofy guy just to see what happens, and it’s hard to know what’s beneath that mask other than bottomless ambition. On the other hand, Boris is a pretty funny name if you’re a posh English guy and so I think it was a good call.