Hottest Heads of State

A scientific and unbiased ranking of world leaders in order of hotness.

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A Profile of Boris Johnson

Boris Johnson

Usually, you hate to see a bus drive off a cliff. But what if the bus is driving off a cliff because someone convinced the passengers that it was a good idea? Well, then at least you want to see that person where they belong: sitting in the front seat, as the bus tips over the edge and falls toward eternity.

In other news, a man who goes by the name Boris Johnson these days* is now Prime Minister of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland (UK).

Boris first rose to national prominence as a journalist, of sorts, who specialized in writing colorful and entertaining stories about the European Union that were sometimes made-up. More recently, he was the most influential backer of the 2015 “Brexit” campaign. This was the campaign that said the UK should leave the EU because…well, actually, it’s hard to remember why anyone thought this was a good idea.

In any event, now Boris is the prime minister, because he checks all of the boxes for what you’d want in a British Prime Minister:

  • Stupid hair
  • Falls into rivers
  • Born in Manhattan

I know what you’re thinking: “This guy sounds amazing. How can I hire him to come and work for me?” Well, the answer is you can’t, because—as I already told you—he’s the prime minister of the United Kingdom.

But maybe not for long! Boris has promised that he will withdraw from the EU no later than Halloween (!), even if that means “crashing out” with no agreement to help prevent things like food and medicine shortages. So, maybe “promised” is the wrong word here. You wouldn’t expect to see a headline that reads “Mayor Promises to Burn Down City Hall No Later Than Halloween.” Instead, it should read, “Mayor Threatens to Burn Down City Hall No Later Than Halloween, Is Promptly Removed From Office.” And indeed, efforts are underway to remove him from office before his Halloween (!) deadline. Will they succeed? It will be exciting to find out, in much the same way it’s exciting to find out the results of your biopsy.


*His first name is Alexander, but he switched to Boris when he started high school. On the one hand, that’s one of the many signs that his personality is a deliberately constructed facade—that he wears a goofy mask because he understands that lots of people will root for the goofy guy just to see what happens, and it’s hard to know what’s beneath that mask other than bottomless ambition. On the other hand, Boris is a pretty funny name if you’re a posh English guy and so I think it was a good call.

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Which New Candle Should We Make in 2019?

I haven’t asked her specifically, but I assume that one of the many things Kate loves about me is my insistence on making weird diorama-style candles with wax miniatures that no one buys. But I don’t want her to love me TOO much, so I need to narrow down my ideas. Can you help? Please tell us which of these candles you think we should conjure into existence. You’re smart and we’ll leave it up to you to figure out how to let us know.

(Actually, we’ll tell you one way you could let us know: Take out an ad in the Sunday New York Times. We subscribe to the New York Times so we will (probably) see your ad, if it is in close proximity to the crossword.)


Global Warming Candle

Global Warming Candle

We want our candles to be funny, and nothing is as funny as global warming.

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Hottest Heads of State Through History: French Presidents

Charles de Gaulle

A good way to learn about world history is to glance through a series of foreign leaders’ portraits and imagine what kinds of things might have happened under their rule. Here, we’ll help!

Afterwards, if you want even more help learning about France, check out part one of this two-part series. There; now it’s like you earned two degrees in French history!

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Check Out These New Made-for-TV Christmas Movies

Just as Adam Smith predicted, the invisible hand of the free market guides Hallmark to churn out approximately five million new Christmas movies every year. That’s a lot! To help them out, we’ve come up with some plot ideas for next year. Hallmark is free to use these as long as they cast J.D. as the jerky boyfriend who gets dumped in favor of the more handsome guy who loves Christmas. (He will also accept “grizzled blue-collar guy who imparts hard-earned wisdom to the young, wealthy protagonist.”)

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Hottest Heads of State Through History: French Monarchs

Louis XIV young

It’s a young Louis XIV! You would recognize those pouty lips anywhere.

France and America have had a special friendship ever since France bankrupted itself helping America win the Revolutionary War, triggering a violent and tumultuous upheaval in which millions perished. Now let’s celebrate the centuries of mutual affection between our two countries by ogling some hot French monarchs! (Or, as we like to call them, “Freedom monarchs.”)

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