Hottest Heads of State

A scientific and unbiased ranking of world leaders in order of hotness.

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Everything You Need to Know About Zuzana Caputova

In the very first use of our Hotness Ranking Machine, we had it calculate the attractiveness of Slovakia’s newly elected president, Zuzana Čaputová. And she is the perfect example of why this machine is so important. If we were ranking her, we’d probably succumb to political bias and give her points because her election represented a victory against ethnonationalism. But machines don’t have feelings, except for the T1 model in Terminator 2, and (maybe) Wall-E.

Where will Zuzana Čaputová end up in our ranking of hottest world leaders? You’ll just have to watch this video to find out! (Or I guess you could fast-forward to the end.)

Here is everything you need to know about Zuzana Čaputová:

  • She has been called the “Erin Brockovich of Slovakia” because she spent a decade campaigning to shut down an illegal toxic waste dump in her hometown. The case went all the way to the Supreme Court! (Of Slovakia.)
  • She won the Goldman Environmental Prize in 2016. And while we haven’t checked, they probably don’t give it out for hurting the environment.
  • Her campaign slogan was “Let’s fight evil together,” which is better than the slogan “Let’s give in to evil,” but not as good as the slogan, “I will fight evil alone; don’t even worry about it.”
  • She is the first female president of Slovakia! But Slovakia has only had five presidents, so.
  • She is also Slovakia’s youngest president ever, but again, there have only been five.
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Which New Candle Should We Make in 2019?

I haven’t asked her specifically, but I assume that one of the many things Kate loves about me is my insistence on making weird diorama-style candles with wax miniatures that no one buys. But I don’t want her to love me TOO much, so I need to narrow down my ideas. Can you help? Please tell us which of these candles you think we should conjure into existence. You’re smart and we’ll leave it up to you to figure out how to let us know.

(Actually, we’ll tell you one way you could let us know: Take out an ad in the Sunday New York Times. We subscribe to the New York Times so we will (probably) see your ad, if it is in close proximity to the crossword.)


Global Warming Candle

Global Warming Candle

We want our candles to be funny, and nothing is as funny as global warming.

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Hottest Heads of State Through History: French Presidents

Charles de Gaulle

A good way to learn about world history is to glance through a series of foreign leaders’ portraits and imagine what kinds of things might have happened under their rule. Here, we’ll help!

Afterwards, if you want even more help learning about France, check out part one of this two-part series. There; now it’s like you earned two degrees in French history!

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Check Out These New Made-for-TV Christmas Movies

Just as Adam Smith predicted, the invisible hand of the free market guides Hallmark to churn out approximately five million new Christmas movies every year. That’s a lot! To help them out, we’ve come up with some plot ideas for next year. Hallmark is free to use these as long as they cast J.D. as the jerky boyfriend who gets dumped in favor of the more handsome guy who loves Christmas. (He will also accept “grizzled blue-collar guy who imparts hard-earned wisdom to the young, wealthy protagonist.”)

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Hottest Heads of State Through History: French Monarchs

Louis XIV young

It’s a young Louis XIV! You would recognize those pouty lips anywhere.

France and America have had a special friendship ever since France bankrupted itself helping America win the Revolutionary War, triggering a violent and tumultuous upheaval in which millions perished. Now let’s celebrate the centuries of mutual affection between our two countries by ogling some hot French monarchs! (Or, as we like to call them, “Freedom monarchs.”)

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