It’s that time of year again: The time of year when you are forced to buy gifts for your friends and family members, and—in doing so—reveal that you know nothing about their hobbies, tastes, or interests.
But don’t worry, because this year, we’ve got you covered! With the Hottest Heads of State 2018 Holiday Gift Guide, we have used our extensive knowledge about your personal life to identify the perfect gifts for all of your friends and loved ones.1 Enjoy it now, because next year, you’re on your own again!
For your mom, who has a secret crush on Barack Obama
Remember last year when you walked in on your mom drinking a glass of wine and watching Barack Obama’s 2008 New Hampshire primary concession speech, while whispering “yes we can” over and over again? Well, that should have been your clue that our book, Hottest Heads of State, Vol 1: The American Presidents, is the perfect gift for your mom. Unlike many books about the presidents (like all of the ones written before 2008), this book is filled to the brim with Barack Obama.
For your dad, who asks for golf balls every year, but you are sick of buying golf balls
Ugh, Dads! Dads are impossible to shop for, so don’t bother putting any thought into this. Just buy him a copy of our book, Hottest Heads of State, Vol 1: The American Presidents, and enclose the following gift message: “Here’s a book, Dad! Next year make a Amazon wishlist, dagnabbit.” (It’s fine to swear in front of your Dad! You’re an adult now.)
For your sister, who loves board games and specifically asked for a board game
Believe it or not, our book has a board game in it. And you can’t keep buying your sister Electronic Mall Madness year after year, because there are only so many copies in circulation. (Incidentally, this is not true of our book. You can keep buying copies of our book for your sister until your credit card is declined.)
The Canadian who works in your office
What better way to make a Canadian feel welcome in our country than by giving him or her a book about the U.S. presidents? Plus, our book has a whole two pages devoted to Canada. Just tell your coworker, “I was flipping through this book and I saw the word “Canada” and I thought of you!”
For a wrongfully convicted prison inmate
For reasons we don’t fully understand, our book is really heavy. When you drop it off at prison, the guards will spend a long time examining the book, trying to figure out where you’ve hidden the nail file. This will be a great distraction while your drone lands in the prison yard and picks up your friend.
For someone trapped in a runaway hot air balloon
Our book’s weight also makes it the perfect gift for someone who is drifting away in a runaway hot air balloon and desperately needs ballast to bring them back down before they float out to sea and are never seen again. When you order our book, just address it to “Someone in a runaway hot air balloon.” The rest is up to your mailman!
For your spouse
The great thing about giving our book to your spouse is that it’s basically the same thing as giving our book to yourself, since you and your spouse live in the same house and you steal their stuff all the time anyway. Just make sure you keep the book in the event of a divorce, because it is great! (The book is great. Not your upcoming divorce.)
By now you’re probably thinking, “This book has it all. It is like the skeleton key of gifts. I should buy thirty copies and be done with Christmas shopping forever (because this is the last year I plan to celebrate Christmas).” And you’re right—mostly. But if we’re being honest, there are a few people who you should not buy our book for.
People NOT to buy our book for:
1. Children. You don’t want your kids to learn about the birds and the bees from a series of short presidential bios. You want them to learn about the birds and the bees in a controlled, closely supervised environment: The zoo.
2. Our publisher, Henry Holt & Co. We can assure you that our publisher does not need any more copies of our book. If anything, they would probably prefer to have fewer copies.
3. Us, JD and Kate Dobson. We have been friends with you for a long time. At this point in our relationship, it’s fine to just give us cash.