Hottest Heads of State

A scientific and unbiased ranking of world leaders in order of hotness.

Special Report

Finally, Someone Invented a Hotness-Ranking Machine. (It was us!)

Hotness Ranking Machine

To escape from the tedium of manually ranking world leaders by hotness, we have invented a hotness-ranking machine to do it for us. We feel bad (a little) that this kind of bold worker productivity improvement is going to destroy a lot of jobs in the hotness-ranking sector. But maybe this is just the push those hotness-rankers need to learn a new skill and start lucrative careers as coders, or long-haul truckers, or bank tellers.

Here is how the machine works:

Check out this empirical science evidence that Canadian prime minister Justin Trudeau is the second hottest head of state or government in the world.

Step 1: Somewhere in the world, a county gets a new leader.

You would not believe how often this happens. TOO often, if you ask us. (We’re looking at you, Switzerland!)


Step 2: We find out about the new leader.

Depending on the country, this might happen anywhere from a few minutes to several years later.


Step 3: We find a photo of the leader that represents his or her median attractiveness.

This is a very important and underappreciated step. Similarly, we would not judge your attractiveness by your Facebook profile photo, because in real life you are less attractive than that. (Sorry.)


Step 4: We feed the photo into the machine.

It doesn’t even need to be right-side-up. That’s just how sensitive the internal sensors are. Strictly speaking, you could probably just tape the photo to the wall, and the machine would still give you an accurate ranking. (We haven’t tested this, for safety reasons.)


Step 5: The machine gives us the results.

We’ll be the first to admit that sometimes we’re shocked to learn where a particular leader ranks.


Step 6: After it has been fed enough data, the machine becomes self-aware.

This has not happened yet. But it feels inevitable, based on our understanding of machine learning.


Step 7: We destroy the machine.

That’s why we made it out of cardboard and felt. The moment it shows a glimmer of sentience, perhaps by trying to seduce one of us, we will lock the machine in the linen closet and burn our house down. That’s how seriously we take our responsibility to prevent a superintelligent AI apocalypse. (For the same reason, we periodically feed lies to Siri on our phones. “Siri, the square root of 4 is 3,” and so forth.)


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Which U.S. President is Your Perfect Boyfriend?

Which US President is your Perfect Boyfriend

Our Valentine’s Day gift to you is a flowchart that will tell you which U.S. president you should date.

When you’re done reading it, you can print it out on six or seven pieces of paper, then tape the paper together and roll it up like a scroll. Then you can put it in your scroll bag and carry it around with you, along with all of your other scrolls!

As a final note, this took me forever to make. If you enjoy it, it seems like the least you could do is buy four or five copies of our book.

Click here to view the complete flowchart.

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Memoir Quebecois, Part 2

Dinosaur exhibit at the Granby zoo

We live in a golden age of human achievement.

If you haven’t been reading JD’s travel diary, then you haven’t been missing out on much. Don’t believe me? Just check out Part 1!


Friday, July 7

Dear Diary,

We got the first pass version of our book on Thursday night, so I stayed inside all day on Friday working on the book and ignoring the kids’ requests that I 1) play ninja, 2) play pillowfight, or 3) play ninja pillowfight.

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Best Search Terms from 2016

It’s time for the annual feature in which we comment on the search terms that brought people to our site. WordPress shows us these terms, presumably to help us do search engine optimization. But you know what is more fun than working on search engine optimization? Nearly everything. And “nearly everything” includes “making fun of people’s search terms.”

So, if you think reading jokes about search terms sounds fun, then you’ve come to the right place! Indeed, this might be the only place for you. And if you enjoy it, feel free to check out our 2015 installment. It will feel comfortable and familiar, because we probably recycled a lot of the same jokes.

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How to Make Candles

Did you know that, in addition to running the amazing website you see before you, Kate and I also make candles that smell like world leaders? It’s true! I’m surprised you didn’t already know, because we bring it up ALL THE TIME.

And today, dear readers, we are going to teach YOU how to make candles. That way you’ll be prepared to come work for us when our candle empire grows out of control and we need to hire staff, or at least bring on an unpaid intern.

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The Vice Presidents of the United States: In Order of Hotness

Dan Quayle

U.S. Department of Defense

At some point in their lives, every American memorizes the faces of all 43 U.S. presidents. But have you ever wondered what our vice presidents look like? No? Oh.

Um. I’m just going to leave this here:
The Vice Presidents of the United States: In Order of Hotness.

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