Hottest Heads of State

A scientific and unbiased ranking of world leaders in order of hotness.

Author: J.D.

Everything You Need to Know About Zuzana Caputova

In the very first use of our Hotness Ranking Machine, we had it calculate the attractiveness of Slovakia’s newly elected president, Zuzana Čaputová. And she is the perfect example of why this machine is so important. If we were ranking her, we’d probably succumb to political bias and give her points because her election represented a victory against ethnonationalism. But machines don’t have feelings, except for the T1 model in Terminator 2, and (maybe) Wall-E.

Where will Zuzana Čaputová end up in our ranking of hottest world leaders? You’ll just have to watch this video to find out! (Or I guess you could fast-forward to the end.)

Here is everything you need to know about Zuzana Čaputová:

  • She has been called the “Erin Brockovich of Slovakia” because she spent a decade campaigning to shut down an illegal toxic waste dump in her hometown. The case went all the way to the Supreme Court! (Of Slovakia.)
  • She won the Goldman Environmental Prize in 2016. And while we haven’t checked, they probably don’t give it out for hurting the environment.
  • Her campaign slogan was “Let’s fight evil together,” which is better than the slogan “Let’s give in to evil,” but not as good as the slogan, “I will fight evil alone; don’t even worry about it.”
  • She is the first female president of Slovakia! But Slovakia has only had five presidents, so.
  • She is also Slovakia’s youngest president ever, but again, there have only been five.
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Finally, Someone Invented a Hotness-Ranking Machine. (It was us!)

Hotness Ranking Machine

To escape from the tedium of manually ranking world leaders by hotness, we have invented a hotness-ranking machine to do it for us. We feel bad (a little) that this kind of bold worker productivity improvement is going to destroy a lot of jobs in the hotness-ranking sector. But maybe this is just the push those hotness-rankers need to learn a new skill and start lucrative careers as coders, or long-haul truckers, or bank tellers.

Here is how the machine works:

Check out this empirical science evidence that Canadian prime minister Justin Trudeau is the second hottest head of state or government in the world.

Step 1: Somewhere in the world, a county gets a new leader.

You would not believe how often this happens. TOO often, if you ask us. (We’re looking at you, Switzerland!)


Step 2: We find out about the new leader.

Depending on the country, this might happen anywhere from a few minutes to several years later.


Step 3: We find a photo of the leader that represents his or her median attractiveness.

This is a very important and underappreciated step. Similarly, we would not judge your attractiveness by your Facebook profile photo, because in real life you are less attractive than that. (Sorry.)


Step 4: We feed the photo into the machine.

It doesn’t even need to be right-side-up. That’s just how sensitive the internal sensors are. Strictly speaking, you could probably just tape the photo to the wall, and the machine would still give you an accurate ranking. (We haven’t tested this, for safety reasons.)


Step 5: The machine gives us the results.

We’ll be the first to admit that sometimes we’re shocked to learn where a particular leader ranks.


Step 6: After it has been fed enough data, the machine becomes self-aware.

This has not happened yet. But it feels inevitable, based on our understanding of machine learning.


Step 7: We destroy the machine.

That’s why we made it out of cardboard and felt. The moment it shows a glimmer of sentience, perhaps by trying to seduce one of us, we will lock the machine in the linen closet and burn our house down. That’s how seriously we take our responsibility to prevent a superintelligent AI apocalypse. (For the same reason, we periodically feed lies to Siri on our phones. “Siri, the square root of 4 is 3,” and so forth.)


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Which New Candle Should We Make in 2019?

I haven’t asked her specifically, but I assume that one of the many things Kate loves about me is my insistence on making weird diorama-style candles with wax miniatures that no one buys. But I don’t want her to love me TOO much, so I need to narrow down my ideas. Can you help? Please tell us which of these candles you think we should conjure into existence. You’re smart and we’ll leave it up to you to figure out how to let us know.

(Actually, we’ll tell you one way you could let us know: Take out an ad in the Sunday New York Times. We subscribe to the New York Times so we will (probably) see your ad, if it is in close proximity to the crossword.)


Global Warming Candle

Global Warming Candle

We want our candles to be funny, and nothing is as funny as global warming.

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How to Launder Money (by buying rare and valuable candles)

Diagram showing how to launder money

For the most part, we cannot predict the future. And yet, we predict that over the next year or two, we’ll be reading a lot in the news about money laundering. Specifically, how foreign oligarchs use expensive real estate purchases in the U.S. to launder their money. This widespread practice is deeply corrosive…to our profits! You see, oligarchs could be laundering money just as easily with expensive candle purchases. If you happen to be an oligarch googling for money laundering tips, here’s an easy step-by-step guide.

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Hottest Heads of State Explains: NATO

NATO

You might have heard that President Trump is attending a neato summit in Brussels this week. And you probably thought to yourself, “I’m relieved he’s thousands of miles away. But how come he gets to attend a neato summit?” Well, the answer is that it’s actually a NATO summit. And, if you have a very specific set of questions about NATO, we have answers.

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