Hottest Heads of State

A scientific and unbiased ranking of world leaders in order of hotness.

Author: J.D.

We Are Updating Our List

The modern world is full of distractions. And as the parents of two young children, it can be easy to forget that our greatest responsibility is maintaining an up-to-date list of world leaders ranked by hotness.

The embarrassing truth is that it has been more than a year since we updated this list. Global opinion polling shows that America’s reputation has fallen dramatically over that period in nearly every country except Russia, and we can’t help but feel partially responsible. How is a citizen of Bulgaria supposed to feel when they check our site to see where we’ve ranked their new PM, only to find that instead of updating the list, we are shilling for our dumb book yet again.

Well, our kids are back in school, and we’ve given their schools fake contact info. We have unpacked approximately half of the boxes following our recent move and agreed to treat the others as serendipitous time capsules to be opened at a later date, by our estate’s executor. And this finally gave us enough free time to buy a goat and use its entrails to divine the one true ranking of world leader hotness.

Here are some of the highlights:

Pedro Sanchez and Justin Trudeau

There are no hard feelings between these two handsome best friends!

We moved Spain’s prime minister, Pedro Sánchez, to the top spot, dethroning Canada’s Justin Trudeau. It pained us to do this, because we are Canadphiles to a weird and off-putting extent. (And also because we sell a lot of Justin Trudeau candles.) But facts are facts, and Sánchez is hotter, and if Canadians want to regain the top spot they need to elect…I dunno, maybe that woman who is in both Arctic Air and When Calls the Heart.

Imran Khan

Even if you’re sad that he didn’t land our #1 spot, you can still enjoy this sexy photo of Imran Khan about to be rained on.

There were a number of leaders we did not put in first place, despite impassioned and/or threatening pleas from their subjects. This includes, most recently, Pakistan’s Imran Khan. And regarding Imran Khan, we will say this: he is a very handsome 65-year-old man. But that doesn’t get the job done when you’re up against a world full of very handsome 45-year-old men. If Pakistan’s security establishment wanted Pakistan to rank higher on our list, they should have backed a younger man to be be Prime Minister.

Sebastián Piñera, president of Chile

Sebastián Piñera is more handsome than you would guess from his official photos.

There were a few leaders that, on second glance, we thought we’d given short shrift to, and moved them up. This includes Tsai Ing-wen of Taiwan, Sebastián Piñera of Chile, and Allen Chastanet of St. Lucia. Congratulations, guys!

Speaking of Taiwan, did you know that China is on a weird global campaign to pressure foreign companies to stop referring to “Taiwan” as Taiwan, but instead as a province of China, which it is not? I cannot say our criteria for deciding what counts as a country for the purposes of this list are totally consistent, or even that they exist. But we will be keeping Taiwan on the list, because it is obviously a real country. This whole thing reminds us of someone demanding that you de-friend their ex on social media. Just let it go, China! You’ve got a lot of things going for you!

(P.S. Our criteria, such as they are, are basically “UN member and observer states, plus Taiwan and Kosovo.” This means we include some political entities whose existence as an actual state is arguable, such as Belgium. But please stop emailing us saying that Belgium is rightfully just a province of the Spanish Netherlands.)

Sebastian Kurz

We really wrestled (not literally) with some of Europe’s crop of young populist leaders who head far-right nationalist governments. How do we rank a guy like Austria’s Sebastian Kurz? He is not bad-looking, in an “airbrushed serial killer” way. But he also rode to power on a message about how letting refugees into Europe threatens the “fabric” of European society. And even if he means literal fabric and not race or religion, that’s pretty bad! We don’t want to turn this list into “we rank politicians based on their conformity to our preferred political views,” but on the other hand…I dunno, maybe we do!

Aung San Suu Kyi, State Counsellor of Myanmar

Along those lines, we moved Aung San Suu Kyi down, because hotness is subjective and we think presiding over ethnic cleansing makes you less hot. We’d take away her Nobel Peace Prize if we could, but we probably can’t (to be fair, we haven’t checked). So instead we bumped her down a few spots.

Nicolás Maduro, president of Venezuela

We also think Maduro is doing a terrible job running Venezuela. But at the same time we think he’s probably hotter than we’d originally given him credit for. But I don’t want to say we’ve “increased” his ranking. Instead, let’s just say we’ve “hyperinflated” it.

We did our best to remove leaders who are no longer in office. Keep in mind that if we wrote profiles for these folks, you can find all our profiles for ex-leaders here.

John Key, former prime minister of New Zealand

Any excuse to mention John Key!

Finally, as always, remember that if you are a world leader and you acknowledge this website in public, we will bump you 75% of the way to the top of our list. It happened to former New Zealand prime minister John Key and it can happen to you.

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How to Launder Money (by buying rare and valuable candles)

Diagram showing how to launder money

For the most part, we cannot predict the future. And yet, we predict that over the next year or two, we’ll be reading a lot in the news about money laundering. Specifically, how foreign oligarchs use expensive real estate purchases in the U.S. to launder their money. This widespread practice is deeply corrosive…to our profits! You see, oligarchs could be laundering money just as easily with expensive candle purchases. If you happen to be an oligarch googling for money laundering tips, here’s an easy step-by-step guide.

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Hottest Heads of State Explains: NATO


You might have heard that President Trump is attending a neato summit in Brussels this week. And you probably thought to yourself, “I’m relieved he’s thousands of miles away. But how come he gets to attend a neato summit?” Well, the answer is that it’s actually a NATO summit. And, if you have a very specific set of questions about NATO, we have answers.

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Hottest Heads of State Explains: Missouri Governor Eric Greitens

Eric Greitens mugshot

You probably think you don’t know anyone from Missouri. Well, check it out: I’m from Missouri! And I’m guessing there are two things you want to know about my home state: Where it is, and what the deal is with our governor.

As to the location of Missouri, it is a secret. But as to our governor, please allow me to answer your hypothetical questions. And a warning: like everything in the Show-Me State, this gets a little racy!

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Hottest Heads of State Through History: French Presidents

Charles de Gaulle

A good way to learn about world history is to glance through a series of foreign leaders’ portraits and imagine what kinds of things might have happened under their rule. Here, we’ll help!

Afterwards, if you want even more help learning about France, check out part one of this two-part series. There; now it’s like you earned two degrees in French history!

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New Candle Alert!

Titanic-Scented Candle

As an avid reader of this website, you already know that we have a candle business. What you may NOT know is that we sell about 80% of our candles between Thanksgiving and Christmas. I make them all by hand. And this means that by mid-December, my body is experiencing an accelerating cascade of physical breakdowns, much like the spacecraft in Apollo 13.

Fortunately, the solution to this problem is pretty obvious. (And no, it is not to hire someone.) It is to start making candles that people will buy at other times of the year. Like birthdays, baby showers, housewarmings, and the anniversary of the sinking of the Titanic.

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We Went on a Book Tour

One thing you might get to do if you write a book is go on a book tour. This means going to bookstores in different cities, talking about and/or reading from your book, and signing copies.

As you may know, we wrote a book, and we went on a whirlwind tour of bookstores in St. Louis and Washington, D.C. And yes, it is still a tour if it’s just two cities. (If it’s just one city, it’s a residency, like Britney Spears is doing in Las Vegas.)

Anyhow, our book tour was a wild ride! Do you want to hear about it? No? Too late!

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Our Lousy Neighbors Won’t Review Our Book

Little Free Library box

Do you see how we’ve conveniently arranged our book so it’s between two less-appealing books, in order to make it pop? If you want to help us out, that’s something you can do at your local Barnes & Noble. Just place a few copies in the “#1 Bestsellers” section. If any employees challenge you, tell them you’re Barnes & Noble CEO Demos Parneros.

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LEAKED! Trump’s State of the Union, 2018

State of the Union

He looks like he has something fun planned!

An “extremely credible source” called my office and told me that this is a leaked copy of the State of the Union address the president will deliver to Congress on Jan 30, 2018.

This was unexpected, because I don’t have an office, but I still think the doc looks legit.

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