Hottest Heads of State

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New Candle Alert!

Titanic-Scented Candle

As an avid reader of this website, you already know that we have a candle business. What you may NOT know is that we sell about 80% of our candles between Thanksgiving and Christmas. I make them all by hand. And this means that by mid-December, my body is experiencing an accelerating cascade of physical breakdowns, much like the spacecraft in Apollo 13.

Fortunately, the solution to this problem is pretty obvious. (And no, it is not to hire someone.) It is to start making candles that people will buy at other times of the year. Like birthdays, baby showers, housewarmings, and the anniversary of the sinking of the Titanic.


Birthday candle

Birthday Candle

Etsy | Amazon

How do you pick out a birthday present for someone without revealing that you have no idea what they like or what their interests are? Introducing the Birthday Candle! It’s the perfect gift for everyone, because everyone has a birthday.

What does it smell like?
It smells exactly like a freshly baked birthday cake. It is really a dead-on scent. We’re proud of this one.

Coincidentally, it also smells exactly like our Marie Antoinette candle. You see, we buy fragrance oils in bulk, so that we can pass the savings on to you, the fragrance oil end-user. This means that if a particular candle doesn’t sell well, we try making other candles with the same oil. We bought 10 pounds of cake fragrance oil, so we’ve got a ways to go. If the Birthday-Scented Candle doesn’t sell, then next up will be “Haunted Bakery,” or “Cake, the band,” or “Prison Break.” (We would hide a tiny metal file inside that last one, and market it to people in prison.)

Who should I buy it for?
Obviously, you should buy it for someone who is having a birthday. But it also makes a great gift for someone who is not celebrating a birthday, but who is a jerk and so you want to stick it to them.

-“Hi. I got this for your birthday! Happy Birthday!”

-“But it isn’t my birthday.”

-“Oh? That’s weird. Because you really look like you’ve aged. In fact, I assumed I’d missed a few of your birthdays, which is why I got you such a decadent gift.”

Can you end a sentence in a preposition, as in “Who should I buy it for?”
YES. Whenever some pedant claims you can’t end a sentence with a preposition, have them come talk to me, and I’ll explain English grammar to them. With my fists.

OK, but shouldn’t it also be “whom” instead of “who,” since it takes the accusative case and…
POW!


Housewarming Candle

Housewarming Candle

Etsy

Moving is the absolute worst. Lots of things make it horrible, but one of them is the experience of arriving at your new home and being enveloped by someone else’s scent like a musty old quilt.

The best way to solve this is to mark a new home with your own scent. And the most hygenic way to mark a new home with your own scent is to light a scented candle.

That’s why this is the perfect housewarming gift. When a close friend says, “Hey, are you free Saturday? I could really use some help moving,” you can reply, “Sorry, I can’t help you this Saturday, because I prefer not to. But here is a candle!”

Who should I buy it for?
Someone who is moving, and who can be trusted not to burn down their new house because they left a lit candle unattended.

What does it smell like?
When we moved into our house, the housewarming gift we received from our next-door neighbor was an alarming story about why our yard had a privacy fence.

But in an imaginary, idealized version of America, people give each other delicious baked goods as housewarming gifts, as if to say, “Now that you’ve got a nice big house with wide doorways, there’s no need to watch your figure.” So, that’s what it smells like. Delicious, baked goods. Kind of cinnamony, but not cloying.


Baby-Scented Candle

Baby-Scented Candle

Etsy | Amazon

Did you know that it’s traditional to give someone a gift when they have a baby? No? Well, that explains why so many of your friends harbor secret grudges against you.

Who should I buy it for?
This is an important question, because a lot of people wrongly assume this is a candle that you buy for a baby. This is a bad idea, because why would a baby want a baby-scented candle? I mean, would Batman want a Batman-Scented Candle? Probably not. (Unless he was using it as a decoy.) No, this is a present for the parent of a baby. And chances are, you know someone who is pregnant right now. Maybe it’s you!

What does it smell like?
We think it smells exactly like baby powder. A friend of ours suggested that it smells like a newborn’s scalp. But we can’t confirm that. We avoided all physical contact with our children for the first six months of their lives, because we were grossed out by how slimy they looked on day one.


Hamilton-Scented Candle

Hamilton-Scented Candle

Etsy | Amazon

You may remember Alexander Hamilton as the founding father who experienced a huge wave of popularity about a year ago. We didn’t want to capitalize on that wave, because we don’t want to make too much money. That’s why we didn’t launch a Hamilton candle until now.

What does it smell like?
Evoking the scents of young Hamilton’s ocean voyage to America, it combines the wooden planks of a tall-masted sailing ship, casks of Caribbean rum, and an ocean breeze.

Who should I buy it for?
Buy it for people who hated the musical Hamilton.


Titanic-Scented Candle

Titanic-Scented Candle

Etsy | Amazon

If this candle sells well, we’re going to do a whole series of candles based on heartbreaking disasters that involved catastrophic loss of life. Hindenburg! Krakatoa! Black Plague! Boy, we are just going to print money with these. Would you like to invest in our candle company?

Who should I buy it for?
Here is who you probably should not buy it for: survivors of the Titanic.

What does it smell like?
We think it smells like water. But that means it does not have a very strong scent, because water doesn’t have much of a smell. If you don’t believe me, go sniff a glass of water right now. See, it doesn’t smell like vodka. You only associate the smell of vodka with water because you always drink vodka in the shower.

What happens to the wax Titanic and the wax iceberg when you light the candle?
You’re just going to have to buy one to find out!

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Editor’s Comments on our Manuscript

People have been enjoying the hilarious editor’s comments on awful person Milo Yiannopoulos’s book manuscript. Comments like, “This is definitely not the place for more of your narcissism,” “tiresome and off the point,” and “DELETE UGH.”

But the truth is that any mediocre writer trying to fake their way into a big book advance could end up with these kinds of comments, and we are no exception. In the interest of transparency, here are just a few of the comments our long-suffering editor made to the manuscript of our upcoming book, Hottest Heads of State: Volume One, the American Presidents.

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You Should Read Our Other Website

Because we are always coming up with ideas for new humor websites to create and then neglect, we’d like to introduce you to Ad Supplement.

Ad Supplement is the only website on the entire internet devoted to making fun of the ads in the New York Times Magazine. If you are a fan of Hottest Heads of State and you read the New York Times Magazine, then you are part of a very small subset of people who is going to love Ad Supplement! Maybe you can all get special hats made or something.

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2015 Holiday Gift Guide

It is time to face the facts: Christmas is in a week, and you haven’t bought any Christmas presents yet.

Or, OK, maybe you have bought some Christmas presents. But unfortunately, they are all terrible.

Either way, I have good news! We here at Hottest Heads of State, via our parent company JD & Kate Industries, have an online store where you can buy even more terrible Christmas gifts! (Don’t worry—that wasn’t the good news. I’m saving that for later!)

Now let’s review some of the exciting products that may or may not ship in time for Christmas:

Putin-Scented Candle

Putin-Scented Candle

The only candle that’s designed to smell like Russian President Vladimir Putin is real, and it is in production. Will we be able to ship it in time for Christmas? Probably not! But for now you can just print out this picture of the Putin-Scented Candle, stuff it inside the stockings of all of your friends and loved ones, and your Christmas shopping is done. I promise that they will not be disappointed! (Unless they don’t want their homes to smell like Vladimir Putin. Then they might be disappointed.)


Gag Fortune Cookies

Gag Fortune Cookies

Just imagine the look on your dad’s face when he opens up his fortune cookie and reads “TONIGHT, I WILL VISIT YOU IN YOUR DREAMS WITH A MESSAGE. DO NOT DARE IGNORE ME AGAIN.”

Ha! Classic.

Now imagine the look on your dad’s face when this happens NINE MORE TIMES (because these hilarious gag fortune cookies come in packs of 10!) He will think he’s losing his mind, and you will have given yourself the gift of gaslighting a loved one. These novelty fortune cookies, based on the web site Real Fortune Cookies, are available now in our Etsy store.


Senator Dracula bumper sticker

Senator Dracula Bumper Sticker

Did you forget to get a gift for your car? Well, here’s a bumper sticker that says “Senator Dracula” on it!

Even if you’re not familiar with JD’s serial novella Senator Dracula, you can still enjoy campaigning for Dracula with this colorful bumper sticker.


Trump "Brown Shirt"

Satirical Trump “Brown Shirt”

Whether you hate Donald Trump and think he’s a fascist, OR you love Donald Trump and are OK with him being a fascist, the Donald Trump “Brown Shirt” is for you!

Oh hey, I almost forgot to tell you the good news! It’s that there’s another Star Wars movie now.

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