Hottest Heads of State

A scientific and unbiased ranking of world leaders in order of hotness.

News

New Candle Alert!

Titanic-Scented Candle

As an avid reader of this website, you already know that we have a candle business. What you may NOT know is that we sell about 80% of our candles between Thanksgiving and Christmas. I make them all by hand. And this means that by mid-December, my body is experiencing an accelerating cascade of physical breakdowns, much like the spacecraft in Apollo 13.

Fortunately, the solution to this problem is pretty obvious. (And no, it is not to hire someone.) It is to start making candles that people will buy at other times of the year. Like birthdays, baby showers, housewarmings, and the anniversary of the sinking of the Titanic.

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Editor’s Comments on our Manuscript

People have been enjoying the hilarious editor’s comments on awful person Milo Yiannopoulos’s book manuscript. Comments like, “This is definitely not the place for more of your narcissism,” “tiresome and off the point,” and “DELETE UGH.”

But the truth is that any mediocre writer trying to fake their way into a big book advance could end up with these kinds of comments, and we are no exception. In the interest of transparency, here are just a few of the comments our long-suffering editor made to the manuscript of our upcoming book, Hottest Heads of State: Volume One, the American Presidents.

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You Should Read Our Other Website

Because we are always coming up with ideas for new humor websites to create and then neglect, we’d like to introduce you to Ad Supplement.

Ad Supplement is the only website on the entire internet devoted to making fun of the ads in the New York Times Magazine. If you are a fan of Hottest Heads of State and you read the New York Times Magazine, then you are part of a very small subset of people who is going to love Ad Supplement! Maybe you can all get special hats made or something.

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2015 Holiday Gift Guide

It is time to face the facts: Christmas is in a week, and you haven’t bought any Christmas presents yet.

Or, OK, maybe you have bought some Christmas presents. But unfortunately, they are all terrible.

Either way, I have good news! We here at Hottest Heads of State, via our parent company JD & Kate Industries, have an online store where you can buy even more terrible Christmas gifts! (Don’t worry—that wasn’t the good news. I’m saving that for later!)

Now let’s review some of the exciting products that may or may not ship in time for Christmas:

Putin-Scented Candle

Putin-Scented Candle

The only candle that’s designed to smell like Russian President Vladimir Putin is real, and it is in production. Will we be able to ship it in time for Christmas? Probably not! But for now you can just print out this picture of the Putin-Scented Candle, stuff it inside the stockings of all of your friends and loved ones, and your Christmas shopping is done. I promise that they will not be disappointed! (Unless they don’t want their homes to smell like Vladimir Putin. Then they might be disappointed.)


Gag Fortune Cookies

Gag Fortune Cookies

Just imagine the look on your dad’s face when he opens up his fortune cookie and reads “TONIGHT, I WILL VISIT YOU IN YOUR DREAMS WITH A MESSAGE. DO NOT DARE IGNORE ME AGAIN.”

Ha! Classic.

Now imagine the look on your dad’s face when this happens NINE MORE TIMES (because these hilarious gag fortune cookies come in packs of 10!) He will think he’s losing his mind, and you will have given yourself the gift of gaslighting a loved one. These novelty fortune cookies, based on the web site Real Fortune Cookies, are available now in our Etsy store.


Senator Dracula bumper sticker

Senator Dracula Bumper Sticker

Did you forget to get a gift for your car? Well, here’s a bumper sticker that says “Senator Dracula” on it!

Even if you’re not familiar with JD’s serial novella Senator Dracula, you can still enjoy campaigning for Dracula with this colorful bumper sticker.


Trump "Brown Shirt"

Satirical Trump “Brown Shirt”

Whether you hate Donald Trump and think he’s a fascist, OR you love Donald Trump and are OK with him being a fascist, the Donald Trump “Brown Shirt” is for you!

Oh hey, I almost forgot to tell you the good news! It’s that there’s another Star Wars movie now.

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