George Washington-Scented Candle diorama close-up

Nothing goes together better than open flame and tinder-dry felt. And that’s why we’ve made adorable felt dioramas for our candles. (Well, that, and we couldn’t agree on how to display them in our home. JD wanted to put them on the mantle to try and sell them to our friends. Kate wanted to hide them in the basement along with the rest of our shameful secrets, and this was our compromise.)

Given that the holiday shopping season is upon us, you might be interested to know that all of these candles are available for sale in our Etsy and Amazon stores. The dioramas are not for sale, except in the sense that everything in this world is for sale, for the right price.

Theodore Roosevelt-Scented Candle

The Theodore Roosevelt-Scented Candle

If you’re in the woods and you bump into Teddy Roosevelt, the good news is he’s probably hunting and there are no bears, wolves, or other dangerous predators left nearby. The bad news is that he’s running out of things to hunt that aren’t you.

Etsy | Amazon

Pirate-Scented Candle

The Pirate-Scented Candle

This is our worst-selling candle. What is wrong with the world that people prefer slick Beltway politicians like George Washington or Abraham Lincoln to hardworking pirates who are just trying to earn an honest doubloon?

Etsy | Amazon

Boxed Wine-Scented Candle

The Boxed Wine-Scented Candle

We are not making fun of boxed wine. We are making fun of people who make fun of boxed wine. Boxed wine is superior to bottled wine in every respect except, perhaps, flavor. And let’s face it: If you were picking your beverage based primarily on flavor, you’d be having hot chocolate.

Etsy | Amazon

George Washington-Scented Candle

The George Washington-Scented Candle

We love the cherry tree story because it’s all about the importance of not lying, even though it itself is a lie. So the real lesson here is that it’s totally fine to lie. Thanks, President Washington!

Etsy | Amazon

Justin Trudeau-Scented Candle

The Justin Trudeau-Scented Candle

A lot of Americans assume that the Canadian National Igloo where Parliament meets is a big, palatial igloo with hundreds of rooms, corridors and chambers. But nope. Canadians are not showy and it’s just a humble igloo.

Etsy | Amazon

Joe Biden-Scented Candle

The Joe Biden-Scented Candle

Having this diorama on our wall is the next best thing to actually riding a train to Delaware.

Etsy | Amazon

Lincoln-Scented Candle

The Lincoln-Scented Candle

At some point we might add a tiny felt Richard Nixon, sitting on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial at 4am trying to chat up college students. And after that we’ll have to add a tiny felt Mark Felt, therein fulfilling our destiny.

Etsy | Amazon

Putin-Scented Candle

The Putin-Scented Candle

Fun, true-life fact: That thing in the background is not actually the Kremlin! It’s just a few pieces of felt glued together.

Etsy | Amazon

Trump-Scented Candle

The Trump-Scented Candle

Homeland! You’ve been the first to light a star of progress and peace over the Earth. Glory to science, glory to labor! Glory to the Trump regime!

Etsy | Amazon

Impeachment-Scented Candle

The Impeachment-Scented Candle

We actually think impeachment proceedings against President Trump would create a highly volatile situation, since the Breitbarts of the world would call it a coup d’etat. But it would be justified, appropriate, and less dangerous than letting someone like Trump retain control of the nuclear launch codes

Etsy | Amazon

Defective Candle

The Defective Candle

The lasers, camera, and so forth are what’s known as “security theater.” They might make you feel safe. But if Defective Candle wants to get out, it’s going to get out.