I haven’t asked her specifically, but I assume that one of the many things Kate loves about me is my insistence on making weird diorama-style candles with wax miniatures that no one buys. But I don’t want her to love me TOO much, so I need to narrow down my ideas. Can you help? Please tell us which of these candles you think we should conjure into existence. You’re smart and we’ll leave it up to you to figure out how to let us know.
(Actually, we’ll tell you one way you could let us know: Take out an ad in the Sunday New York Times. We subscribe to the New York Times so we will (probably) see your ad, if it is in close proximity to the crossword.)
Global Warming Candle
We want our candles to be funny, and nothing is as funny as global warming.
For the most part, we cannot predict the future. And yet, we predict that over the next year or two, we’ll be reading a lot in the news about money laundering. Specifically, how foreign oligarchs use expensive real estate purchases in the U.S. to launder their money. This widespread practice is deeply corrosive…to our profits! You see, oligarchs could be laundering money just as easily with expensive candle purchases. If you happen to be an oligarch googling for money laundering tips, here’s an easy step-by-step guide.
As an avid reader of this website, you already know that we have a candle business. What you may NOT know is that we sell about 80% of our candles between Thanksgiving and Christmas. I make them all by hand. And this means that by mid-December, my body is experiencing an accelerating cascade of physical breakdowns, much like the spacecraft in Apollo 13.
Fortunately, the solution to this problem is pretty obvious. (And no, it is not to hire someone.) It is to start making candles that people will buy at other times of the year. Like birthdays, baby showers, housewarmings, and the anniversary of the sinking of the Titanic.