Jack-o-lantern

This Halloween, we’re continuing our tradition of asking world leaders to share their greatest fears with us. Unfortunately, world leaders are continuing their tradition of not responding to our inquiries, so we just made some stuff up. Read below, if you dare!


We asked: “What is your greatest fear?”


Donald Trump

I have this recurring nightmare, every single night, that I’ve been elected president of the United States. And in the nightmare, I have to constantly bluff and dodge and lie to keep everyone from realizing that I’m a con artist who has no idea what he’s doing. It’s a such a relief to wake up and go back to my normal routine of winning the Super Bowl, flying, and giving speeches in the nude.

—Donald Trump, President of the United States of America


Enrique Pena Nieto

My greatest fear is mummies. Maybe it’s because I’m always being chased around by mummies. But what am I supposed to do? Stop sneaking into Egyptian pyramids and plundering ancient artifacts? I mean, yeah, that’s probably what the mummies are angry about. It’s hard to be sure though, because their mouths are covered in bandages.

—Enrique Peña Nieto, President of Mexico


Emmanuel Macron

My greatest fear is that I’ll order a glass of wine at dinner and the waiter will card me. And I’ll say, “Ha ha, very funny garçon, but I’m the president of France.” And he’ll say, “I’m sorry Monsieur President, but it’s the law.” And so, finally, I’ll be caught.

—Emmanuel Macron, President of France


Angela Merkel

The Buschgroßmutter lives in the deepest part of the woods. She is a grizzled old woman with long, white hair, and feet covered in a thick layer of moss. If you agree to pick the lice out of her hair, she’ll give you a skein of yarn. You can use the yarn to make whatever you want. A hat, a cardigan, whatever. Personally, I don’t knit. But I like to have yarn around the house.

—Angela Merkel, President of Germany


Theresa May

What am I most afraid of? I’m afraid that somewhere out there, some villain with evil in his heart is going to propose a referendum that’s even dumber than Brexit, and it’s going to pass, and I’m going to have to pretend that I think it’s a good idea, too.

That or some sort of Human Centipede-type situation involving Boris Johnson. Honestly, I would literally rather be sewn on to any other British subject.

—Theresa May, Prime Minister of Great Britain


Justin Trudeau

Every Canadian grows up loving and respecting polar bears, and wanting to ensure that despite climate change, polar bear populations survive and thrive for many years to come. That’s because they’re the only thing that keeps the werewolves at bay. Toronto would just be one big werewolf warren if not for the polar bears who roam the icy streets at night. I mean, just look what happened to Calgary.

—Justin Trudeau, Prime Minister of Canada


Vladimir Putin

It’s worked for me so far. But what if regular infusions of Prime Minister Dmitry Medvedev’s youthful blood stop keeping me strong and fit? If nothing else, it will mean I’ve spent all this money keeping Medvedev fed and hydrated for nothing.

—Vladimir Putin, President of Russia


Patrice Talon

Fears aren’t always rational. Take my fear of the dentist. On a rational level, I know there’s nothing to be afraid of. But ever since the dentist clawed through my roof and made a home in my attic, I haven’t been able to sleep at night. I just keep hearing him up there, clicking his forceps.

—Patrice Talon, President of Benin


Klaus Iohannis

I’m terrified of vampire hunters. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not a fan of vampires. But somehow, Romania has so far escaped the current plague in Central Europe of far-right nationalist governments taking power. So I’m reluctant to change anything. And that includes letting a bunch of vampire hunters come in and dislodge Romania’s centuries-old shadow aristocracy of powerful, ancient vampires.

—Klaus Iohannis, President of Romania