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Reasons Not to Feel Hopeless

Washington Crossing the Delaware

Kate and I have different political perspectives (I’m a former GOP Senate staffer, Kate went to Brown), but we both oppose Trump. We didn’t sleep well election night, despite repeated doses of Miller Lite and Alka-Seltzer Plus “Night” (which we nevertheless endorse).

We are worried, and we didn’t write this to reassure you that everything is going to be OK. Trump ran as a nativist authoritarian and a lot of our fellow Americans voted for him, either despite that or because of it. That is a big deal, and we think anyone who cares about democracy should be worried. By which we mean worried enough to fight to preserve the republic. We DON’T want you to be so worried that you sit around drowning your sorrows in Alka-Seltzer. Do as we say, not as we do, at least with respect to Alka-Seltzer.

So with that it mind, here are the things that are keeping us from losing hope.

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You Should Read Our Other Website

Because we are always coming up with ideas for new humor websites to create and then neglect, we’d like to introduce you to Ad Supplement.

Ad Supplement is the only website on the entire internet devoted to making fun of the ads in the New York Times Magazine. If you are a fan of Hottest Heads of State and you read the New York Times Magazine, then you are part of a very small subset of people who is going to love Ad Supplement! Maybe you can all get special hats made or something.

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2015 Holiday Gift Guide

It is time to face the facts: Christmas is in a week, and you haven’t bought any Christmas presents yet.

Or, OK, maybe you have bought some Christmas presents. But unfortunately, they are all terrible.

Either way, I have good news! We here at Hottest Heads of State, via our parent company JD & Kate Industries, have an online store where you can buy even more terrible Christmas gifts! (Don’t worry—that wasn’t the good news. I’m saving that for later!)

Now let’s review some of the exciting products that may or may not ship in time for Christmas:

Putin-Scented Candle

Putin-Scented Candle

The only candle that’s designed to smell like Russian President Vladimir Putin is real, and it is in production. Will we be able to ship it in time for Christmas? Probably not! But for now you can just print out this picture of the Putin-Scented Candle, stuff it inside the stockings of all of your friends and loved ones, and your Christmas shopping is done. I promise that they will not be disappointed! (Unless they don’t want their homes to smell like Vladimir Putin. Then they might be disappointed.)


Gag Fortune Cookies

Gag Fortune Cookies

Just imagine the look on your dad’s face when he opens up his fortune cookie and reads “TONIGHT, I WILL VISIT YOU IN YOUR DREAMS WITH A MESSAGE. DO NOT DARE IGNORE ME AGAIN.”

Ha! Classic.

Now imagine the look on your dad’s face when this happens NINE MORE TIMES (because these hilarious gag fortune cookies come in packs of 10!) He will think he’s losing his mind, and you will have given yourself the gift of gaslighting a loved one. These novelty fortune cookies, based on the web site Real Fortune Cookies, are available now in our Etsy store.


Senator Dracula bumper sticker

Senator Dracula Bumper Sticker

Did you forget to get a gift for your car? Well, here’s a bumper sticker that says “Senator Dracula” on it!

Even if you’re not familiar with JD’s serial novella Senator Dracula, you can still enjoy campaigning for Dracula with this colorful bumper sticker.


Trump "Brown Shirt"

Satirical Trump “Brown Shirt”

Whether you hate Donald Trump and think he’s a fascist, OR you love Donald Trump and are OK with him being a fascist, the Donald Trump “Brown Shirt” is for you!

Oh hey, I almost forgot to tell you the good news! It’s that there’s another Star Wars movie now.

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Tonight: Live-Tweeting the Republican Presidential Debate

2016 GOP presidential debate

Gage Skidmore / Wikimedia Commons

Because we want to trick you into following us on Twitter, tonight we will be live-tweeting the CNN Republican Presidential Debate (8pm EST) from @HotHeadofState.

If you’re not on Twitter, now is a great opportunity for you to open 70 accounts and use all of them to follow us. Thanks in advance!

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A Profile of Alex Tsipras

Alexis Tsipras

kremlin.ru

Greek Prime Minister Alexis Tsipras is the best thing to happen to Greece since the disgusting Greek yogurt fad. Not only is he handsome, he is also in favor of spending money with reckless abandon. So basically he has everything that I want in a man, except for a candy bar that he brought me as a surprise. And for all I know, maybe he has that too! Someone should check his pockets.

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