Available for a limited time only! (We hope.)
You don’t win anymore. You don’t win at buying candles, and you don’t win at having a nice-smelling home. But with a Trump-Scented candle, you will start winning again! (Just at those specific things though.)
It is time to face the facts: Christmas is in a week, and you haven’t bought any Christmas presents yet.
Or, OK, maybe you have bought some Christmas presents. But unfortunately, they are all terrible.
Either way, I have good news! We here at Hottest Heads of State, via our parent company JD & Kate Industries, have an online store where you can buy even more terrible Christmas gifts! (Don’t worry—that wasn’t the good news. I’m saving that for later!)
Now let’s review some of the exciting products that may or may not ship in time for Christmas:
The only candle that’s designed to smell like Russian President Vladimir Putin is real, and it is in production. Will we be able to ship it in time for Christmas? Probably not! But for now you can just print out this picture of the Putin-Scented Candle, stuff it inside the stockings of all of your friends and loved ones, and your Christmas shopping is done. I promise that they will not be disappointed! (Unless they don’t want their homes to smell like Vladimir Putin. Then they might be disappointed.)
Just imagine the look on your dad’s face when he opens up his fortune cookie and reads “TONIGHT, I WILL VISIT YOU IN YOUR DREAMS WITH A MESSAGE. DO NOT DARE IGNORE ME AGAIN.”
Ha! Classic.
Now imagine the look on your dad’s face when this happens NINE MORE TIMES (because these hilarious gag fortune cookies come in packs of 10!) He will think he’s losing his mind, and you will have given yourself the gift of gaslighting a loved one. These novelty fortune cookies, based on the web site Real Fortune Cookies, are available now in our Etsy store.
Did you forget to get a gift for your car? Well, here’s a bumper sticker that says “Senator Dracula” on it!
Even if you’re not familiar with JD’s serial novella Senator Dracula, you can still enjoy campaigning for Dracula with this colorful bumper sticker.
Whether you hate Donald Trump and think he’s a fascist, OR you love Donald Trump and are OK with him being a fascist, the Donald Trump “Brown Shirt” is for you!
Oh hey, I almost forgot to tell you the good news! It’s that there’s another Star Wars movie now.
I have exciting news for everyone who isn’t Stephen Harper: Canada just elected a dishy new prime minister. His name is Justin Trudeau, and here is a photo of him doing something:
youtube.com
disneyabc / flickr.com
Tune in tonight at 8:30pm EST as we live-tweet the CNN Democratic Presidential Debate from @HotHeadofState.
Afterwards, we’ll live-tweet JD getting ready for bed. It is going to be an exciting night!
Gage Skidmore / Wikimedia Commons
Because we want to trick you into following us on Twitter, tonight we will be live-tweeting the CNN Republican Presidential Debate (8pm EST) from @HotHeadofState.
If you’re not on Twitter, now is a great opportunity for you to open 70 accounts and use all of them to follow us. Thanks in advance!
kremlin.ru
Greek Prime Minister Alexis Tsipras is the best thing to happen to Greece since the disgusting Greek yogurt fad. Not only is he handsome, he is also in favor of spending money with reckless abandon. So basically he has everything that I want in a man, except for a candy bar that he brought me as a surprise. And for all I know, maybe he has that too! Someone should check his pockets.