ST. LOUIS, MO — Candle manufacturer JD and Kate Industries announced today that unless it receives massive tax breaks from the White House, it will outsource all two of its jobs overseas.

“We can’t help but notice that a certain Indiana furnace factory got millions in tax cuts and government incentives after agreeing to outsource only about 1,000 instead of 2,000 jobs,” commented JD and Kate Industries Managing Pardner Kate Dobson. “I guess the squeaky wheel gets the grease, and so I have a fiduciary responsibility to my shareholders to start squeaking. Or at least I would, if this were a publicly held company, rather than a made-up one.”

Dobson noted that she is subject to a number of onerous taxes, including the City of St. Louis excise tax on cars, the metropolitan sewer district tax, and guilt-trips about contributing to her local NPR affiliate. “That last one isn’t a tax per se, but it feels like one,” she vented.

Until recently, JD and Kate Industries manufactured candles in their kitchen, but an uptick in sales has required the company to shift production to the basement. Dobson pointed to this move as evidence that the company isn’t afraid to pull up stakes if its demands are not met. And, she added, a move out of the country would have devastating impact on overall U.S. exports.

“J.D. and Kate Industries has exported candles to important U.S. trading partners like Canada, Australia, and Singapore, improving our overall trade balance by literally dozens of dollars per year. But all that exporting will end tomorrow if we don’t get what we want. Or, I suppose, if the holiday shopping season ends.”

Dobson added that, like Indiana air conditioner and furnace manufacturer Carrier, she would be willing to negotiate a deal in which the planned job cuts are halved. Specifically, she is willing for her position to be outsourced to Paris, or Tahiti, while the position of Chief Morale Officer currently held by J.D. Dobson remains in St. Louis. “Just so long as I don’t have to take our kids with me to Tahiti,” she added.

Dobson said that simply using the tax code to encourage all U.S. manufacturers to preserve domestic jobs is a non-starter. “If this were a blanket national policy instead of having the president pick and choose who succeeds in the marketplace, then it wouldn’t feel as special.”

At this time, JD and Kate Industries has not announced precisely where it will outsource its candlemaking if it does not receive tax cuts, but under consideration are the Chinese, Mexican and Bangladeshi factories where President-Elect Trump manufactures his Trump-brand ties, shirts, eyeglasses, and so forth.

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