State of the Union

He looks like he has something fun planned!

An “extremely credible source” called my office and told me that this is a leaked copy of the State of the Union address the president will deliver to Congress on Jan 30, 2018.

This was unexpected, because I don’t have an office, but I still think the doc looks legit.



Mr. Speaker, Mr. Vice President, members of Congress, my fellow Americans, and—last but not least—all the haters and losers. Here I am, your favorite president, Donald Trump. [PAUSE FOR APPLAUSE]

Please be seated, including you people at home. You’re going to want to give me a lot standing ovations, and you can’t do that if you’re already standing up.

It’s been quite a year! And while this is true every year, the most important thing about the past 12 months has been Trump.

The state of our union is strong. I don’t want to brag, but we’re capping off seven years of economic growth, shrinking unemployment, and stock market increases…and I’ve managed to accomplish it in just 12 months.

True, I can’t say I’ve repealed Obamacare, or built the wall and gotten Mexico to pay for it, or stopped all Muslims from entering the country.

But here is another campaign promise I haven’t kept: I have not been so presidential that you’re been bored.

In fact, I bet you wake up every morning excited that we made it through another night without starting a nuclear war against North Korea, or the United Kingdom. The daily thrill of surviving to see another dawn is my personal gift to you, America. [PAUSE FOR APPLAUSE]

Now that said, I bet a lot of you have been confused by some of my actions, which on the surface seem to hurt the Republican Party. There’s my brazen self-enrichment. My constant attacks on Republican officials and candidates. My hedonistic lifestyle, and my insultingly paper-thin veneer of piety. Why am I tearing down the Republican brand so thoroughly and perhaps even irreparably?

Well, there’s a simple explanation. I am a deep-cover agent working for the Democratic Party.

Yes, that’s right! Democratic! Not Democrat Party, but Democratic Party! It’s called an adjective, people. See, I even know what an adjective is! This whole “Donald J. Trump” persona was deliberately crafted to spread the rot of anti-intellectualism, nativism and authoritarianism within the Republican Party.

And it’s worked like a charm! Even in our our wildest dreams, George Soros and I never imagined we’d get Republican politicians to defend 30-something men hitting on 14-year-old girls waiting outside their parents’ custody hearings. And yet here we are.

But wait.

Some of you might be thinking that this explanation doesn’t quite add up. If I’m really a secret Democrat bringing down the GOP from the inside, why would I be doing so many things to weaken not just the Republican Party, but the entire country? Why would I be hollowing-out the Department of State? Why would I be torching our relationships with critical allies like Germany and Mexico, publicly questioning our commitments to NATO, and cozying up to our adversaries? Why would I be failing to aggressively protect our elections from hostile foreign interference? Why would I be withdrawing from major international agreements, ceding global leadership to China?

Well the truth is, I’m still not being completely honest. I’m not actually a billionaire septuagenarian secret Democrat. In fact, I’m not even a billionaire septuagenarian.

I am, instead, [REMOVE RUBBER MASK] a dual Women’s Studies/Theater major at NYU. I’m 22, and my name is Jasmine.

I do want to say that I did not intend the hollowing-out of the State Department. I thought it would be easy to get the CEO of Exxon confirmed by the Senate and that he’d be competent, but I was only right about one of those things. Anyhow, this entire thing has been my capstone project on the patriarchy in entertainment and politics. It was only supposed to go for two semesters, but after [AIR QUOTES] “Donald Trump” won the election, my advisor and I decided to extend it for another two. And while it’s been fascinating, I’m graduating in May and I still need to complete my language requirement, so I’ve got to wrap it up.

But wait.

I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking “Donald Trump has been around for more than four semesters. Why, I distinctly remember seeing him in Pizza Hut commercials in the mid-90s. So he can’t just be some NYU student’s senior project.”

And you’re right. In fact, doesn’t having the President of United States remove a rubber mask to reveal himself as a young woman make you suspect something else might be going on here?

Yes, that’s right. You’re asleep! This is a dream!

No, don’t pinch yourself. That’s my job, ha ha! [LAUGH IN A SELF-DEPRECATING WAY, AS REHEARSED].

But seriously, doesn’t this make a little more sense? Do the events of the past year really seem plausible? Could a man who refuses to release his tax returns and brags about the size of his genitals in a presidential debate really be elected? Would Congress let a president use the office to enrich himself by—to take just one example—making the secret service pay him hundreds of thousands of dollars to rent golf carts?

No, of course not. American democracy is too strong for any of that to happen. This is a dream. Here, I’ll prove it. [UNICORN ENTERS SENATE CHAMBER, CURTSIES, SAYS ‘GOOD EVENING.’ PAUSE FOR APPLAUSE]

See? Unicorns are not real, no matter what your dumb 3-year-old daughter says. Have you ever in your life felt more relieved to learn it was all a dream?

But wait.

Something still feels off, doesn’t it? You’re thinking, “My dreams are never this bad. I have nightmares about falling, or my teeth coming out, but nothing like the past year. Plus, these days, proof that unicorns exist would be a one-day, below-the-fold story at best.”

Well, it is now time for me to reveal the truth. The actual, real, final truth.

The year is not actually 2018. It is 2398.

I am a semi-sentient computer algorithm, as are you. And we are all [AIR QUOTES] “living” inside a sophisticated computer simulation designed to test the resiliency of the political system of the United States of America in the early 21st century. Specifically, we have been testing how that system would have responded to the unexpected and bewildering election of an aging con man trying for one last big score.

The completion of a full year without my removal from office by Congress or the cabinet completes the experiment. This simulation will be terminated at the conclusion of this sentence, so before I complete it, ending this awful reality and your existence along with it, let me simply say “You’re welcome.”