Jovenel Moïse

You’ve been talking a big game about how much you know about Haitian president Jovenel Moïse, and I’m here to call you out. That’s right, I’m calling you out! It’s time to put your knowledge of Jovenel Moïse to the test by taking this test. So put on your best test-taking outfit and prepare to be publicly humiliated. (Though I’m not sure how you prepare for that, exactly. I’m sure you’ll figure something out!)

1. What was Jovenel Moïse’s occupation before he became president of Haiti?
He was a banana exporter and auto parts dealer.
CORRECT. OK, so you know ONE thing about Jovenel Moise. But do you know five or six things about him? Only time will tell!
He was an auto parts exporter and banana dealer.
INCORRECT. Why would someone export auto parts? You want to keep auto parts handy, so they’re close to your car.
He exported bananas to be used as auto parts. Like if you want your steering wheel to be made out of bananas.
INCORRECT. Except for the part about you wanting a steering wheel made out of bananas.
He was the founder of Microsoft.
INCORRECT. You might be confusing Jovenel Moïse with billionaire business magnate Bill Gates. Or you’re confusing Microsoft with a Haitian banana-export plantation. Either way, it is a common mistake!
2. How did Jovenel Moïse, having no political experience and little name recognition, become the leading candidate for the Haitian presidency?
He was handpicked by former president Michel Martelly.
CORRECT. But that was just a lucky guess, so I’m not impressed. I make lucky guesses ALL THE TIME. Like the time I guessed the password to your email account, and now I read all of your email even though it’s boring.
He was handpicked by a giant claw that came out of the sky.
INCORRECT. Actually, the giant claw chose hip-hop artist Wyclef Jean, but the Haitian electorate wisely ignored it.
He was handpicked by the Haitian mafia, which in Haiti is just known as “the mafia.”
INCORRECT. I actually don’t know whether there is a Haitian Mafia, unless you’re talking about the Wyclef Jean song “Hatian Mafia.”
He woke up one day and said, “Now it’s time for politics!”
INCORRECT. If that worked, I would be president of Haiti by now!
3. During his campaign, what nickname did Jovenel Moïse adopt to make himself seem accessible and folksy?
“Banana Man”
CORRECT. Hey, how did you know that? Did you quickly read up on Jovenel Moïse before taking this test? You were supposed to be using that time to prepare for public humiliation!
“The Human Banana”
INCORRECT. This is actually YOUR nickname. Relatedly, I have some shocking news about the results of your DNA test!
“The Banana Whisperer”
INCORRECT. Jovenel Moïse wishes he was the Banana Whisperer. He can only shout at bananas.
“The Soul-Eater”
INCORRECT. But you’re right that this would be a great nickname for a politician.
4. What made Jovenel Moïse’s election controversial?
The first round of voting was marred by allegations of fraud, which led to widespread protests, rioting, and a year-long political crisis. Eventually the results were thrown out and Haiti held a new election, which Moïse won, but with record-low voter turnout.
CORRECT. But that was an easy one. I don’t even know why I’m including easy questions, when the whole point of this quiz is to embarrass you by revealing how little you know about Jovenel Moïse. I guess I’m just a complicated person.
Voters were encouraged to fill out one “real” ballot and one “just for fun” ballot.
INCORRECT. Even if this DID happen, I fail to see why it would be controversial.
Some people suspected that the ballot boxes had been stuffed, because they looked suspiciously full.
INCORRECT. Ballot boxes are always opaque so as to prevent speculation about whether they look overly full or whether they are holding an appropriate number of ballots.
Thousands of votes were lost at sea, and it wasn’t clear why the votes were taken on a scenic boat tour in the first place.
INCORRECT. All of the votes returned safely from their scenic boat tour.
5. Which former reality television villain did President Trump send to attend Jovenel Moïse’s inauguration?
Apprentice contestant Omarosa O. Manigault
CORRECT. You only knew this because you’re such a big Omarosa fan. That’s how I guessed your email password was “Omarosa4ever.”
Apprentice star Donald J. Trump
INCORRECT. Donald Trump avoids official travel that doesn’t involve the federal government writing a large check to one his resorts.
The Hills co-star Heidi Montag
INCORRECT. Sometimes you want so badly for something to be true that
you manage to convince yourself it IS true.
Juan Pablo Galavis from season 18 of The Bachelor .
INCORRECT. Juan Pablo isn’t a villain! He’s just a regular guy who is incapable of forming human attachments.
6. What has Jovenel Moïse accomplished so far as president?
He reestablished the Haitian army, even though Haiti has no real foreign threats, and even though the army was disbanded because of its history of human rights abuses and because it wouldn’t stop staging coups.
CORRECT. Be honest—are you cheating? Is Jovenel Moïse sitting next to you right now, whispering the answers in your ear after he looks them up on Wikipedia?
He fulfilled his campaign promise of restoring electricity to Haiti 24 hours a day but has requested that everyone just take his word for it and not try testing it out.
INCORRECT. To be fair, Moïse has only been in office for 7 months, and he clearly stated that it would take him 18 to 24 months to build a functional electric grid. So, check back with us for an update in 17 months. (Assuming America still has a functional electric grid in 17 months.)
He learned how to knit.
INCORRECT. When President Moïse learns to knit, you will know it. You’ll wake up one day and everyone in Haiti will be wearing a scarf.
He fulfilled his childhood dream of meeting former Indiana governor Mike Pence.
INCORRECT. Moïse did meet former Indiana governor Mike Pence, but his childhood dream was to meet former Indiana governor Mitch Daniels.


0-2 Correct Answers
I knew it! You’re not an expert on Jovenel Moïse, and now everyone knows you’re a fraud. Or at least they will, as long as you promise to share these results across all of your social media platforms. (While you’re at it, maybe you could put in a plug for our forthcoming book!)

3-5 Correct Answers
OK, so you know 3 to 5 things about Jovenel Moïse. But that hardly makes you a Jovenel Moïse expert! For that, you will have to learn 1 to 3 more things.

6 Correct Answers
Huh. I guess you really are a Jovenel Moïse expert after all! Looks like I owe you a Coke. Or, wait—did we not bet a Coke? Then I will keep the Coke for myself.