Hottest Heads of State

A scientific and unbiased ranking of world leaders in order of hotness.

U.S. Presidents

Let’s Give the U.S. Presidents Sexy New Makeovers

We’ve come to the part in the story of America where everyone is feeling a little down. A little pessimistic about our prospects as a nation. And you know what that means: It’s time to cheer ourselves up with PRESIDENTIAL MAKEOVERS!

Then afterwards, please be sure to follow us on Facebook/Twitter so we can harangue you about buying our book.

George Washington

Every 14-year-old boy I know has this haircut, and when it comes to fashion, 14-year-old boys will never lead you astray. Now all George Washington needs is a pair of black knee socks and sandals, and he’ll be ready to hang out in the parking lot and vape!

Gerald Ford

If you think you aren’t attracted to Gerald Ford, you need to ask yourself, “If I’m not attracted to Gerald Ford, then why have I been looking at this picture for so long? When did it become nighttime? Wait, what day is it?”

Harry S. Truman

The first thing Harry S. Truman needs to do is lose his glasses. There—look how handsome!

The second thing he needs to do is lose the tie. The final thing he must do is lose that shirt. Makeover complete!

Dwight D. Eisenhower

Don’t say this isn’t an attractive look for Dwight D. Eisenhower until you’ve watched his workout tape.

Ronald Reagan

Nothing says “It’s Morning in America” like just-got-out-of-bed hair!

Barack Obama

Last week, social media was abuzz over a doctored photo of Barack Obama that showed him sporting a beard. Now it’s time to start the equally compelling rumor that he has started shaving his eyebrows.

Abraham Lincoln

Can you spot what’s wrong with this picture of Abraham Lincoln? Or, to phrase it more accurately, can you spot what’s right?

Jimmy Carter

If Jimmy Carter had a teardrop tattoo, then we wouldn’t have to keep wondering how many of his rivals he’s killed in prison brawls.

Zachary Taylor

One question we get over and over again is, “What would Zachary Taylor look like with the hair of Tom Selleck and the mustache of Tom Selleck?” Well, here you go. Now leave us alone, Tom Selleck!

James Garfield

A great look for any man is to dress up like a chef. Then everybody will think, “Mmm…I wonder what he’s got cooking!” The only downside is that, eventually, you will be expected to produce some kind of food.

William McKinley

William McKinley didn’t need a lot of work. We just doubled-down on his existing look. (His existing look is “eyebrows!”)

John F. Kennedy

If you think there’s no way to make JFK more handsome, it’s because you have not considered the possibility of a second, equally handsome head.

Lyndon B. Johnson

At this point, we’re just throwing stuff at the wall to see what sticks.

Richard Nixon

Richard Nixon would have been a great addition to the Constitutional Convention, to remind everyone how important their work was.

Calvin Coolidge

This giant snake speaks for itself. (It says “hiss!”)

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10 Photos of Richard Nixon That Will Make You Say “Oh, Richard Nixon!”

Richard Nixon drinking

Sometimes you see a photo that just makes you say “Oh, Richard Nixon!” It’s almost an involuntary reaction—like some long-buried instinct that is only triggered by certain photos of Richard Nixon (and, occasionally, by photos that do not contain Richard Nixon).

Check out these 10 photos of Richard Nixon and let us know if they made you say “Oh, Richard Nixon!” or if you were able to view them in silence.

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The Presidents of the United States: In Order of Best Eyebrows

Richard Nixon's right eyebrow

You might not know this about me, but the main thing I look for in a man is a nice pair of eyebrows. If a guy with mediocre eyebrows approaches me, I tell him, “Sorry, not interested.” Then when he says, “Um, I was just wondering if you could give me directions to the metro?” I say “No way.”

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How to Celebrate Herbert Hoover’s Birthday

Herbert Hoover

Your long wait is over. It is finally, finally Herbert Hoover’s birthday.

What I love about Herbert Hoover’s birthday is that it’s the one day of the year when you get to really focus on Herbert Hoover, all day long, to the exclusion of everything else. Here are some ideas to help you plan a celebration that’s fun, rewarding, and full of memories that will help get you through the rest of the year. Which even now is looming, dark and inescapable, like an approaching sandstorm.

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A Fake Interview with Donald Trump

JD pretend to interview Donald Trump

President Donald Trump claims to hate The New York Times, which he calls “the failing New York Times,” yet he keeps giving them interviews. We, on the other hand, have not secured a single interview with him, even though he has never once called us “the failing Hottest Heads of State.” (Despite the fact that we are, by some measures, more of a failure than the New York Times.)

Fortunately, if there’s one thing I picked up at the University of Missouri School of Journalism (back when I regularly walked past it and imagined what was being taught inside) it’s that you’re allowed to make up interviews as long as you use real quotes.

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Sincerely, Dick: An Advice Column by Richard Nixon

Richard Nixon writes his own relationship advice column

Richard Nixon recorded all of his Oval Office conversations, and the transcripts from these secret tapes are an nonstop explosion of profound wisdom and keen observations about the human condition. If you’ve ever read through the transcripts yourself, you probably thought, “If only this guy had his own relationship advice column!” Well, all of your wildest dreams are about to come true.

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Explosive Video Shows Trump Colluding with Moscow

Sean Spicer, the White House press secretary, during a briefing on Friday. Acknowledging that President Trump is a Russian operative, Mr. Spicer argued “We litigated this all through the election. People didn’t care. They voted for him.” (Photo credit – Eric Thayer for The New York Times)

Washington, D.C. – CNN today released a video showing President Donald J. Trump meeting in Dubai with Russian strongman Vladimir Putin in February, 2016 to plan Russia’s interference in the U.S. election on Trump’s behalf, and to agree on concrete steps Trump would take in return to help the Russian leader. The video, which has been independently authenticated, also shows Putin tousling Trump’s hair, and the U.S. president speaking fluent Russian.

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