We’ve come to the part in the story of America where everyone is feeling a little down. A little pessimistic about our prospects as a nation. And you know what that means: It’s time to cheer ourselves up with PRESIDENTIAL MAKEOVERS!

Then afterwards, please be sure to follow us on Facebook/Twitter so we can harangue you about buying our book.

George Washington

Every 14-year-old boy I know has this haircut, and when it comes to fashion, 14-year-old boys will never lead you astray. Now all George Washington needs is a pair of black knee socks and sandals, and he’ll be ready to hang out in the parking lot and vape!

Gerald Ford

If you think you aren’t attracted to Gerald Ford, you need to ask yourself, “If I’m not attracted to Gerald Ford, then why have I been looking at this picture for so long? When did it become nighttime? Wait, what day is it?”

Harry S. Truman

The first thing Harry S. Truman needs to do is lose his glasses. There—look how handsome!

The second thing he needs to do is lose the tie. The final thing he must do is lose that shirt. Makeover complete!

Dwight D. Eisenhower

Don’t say this isn’t an attractive look for Dwight D. Eisenhower until you’ve watched his workout tape.

Ronald Reagan

Nothing says “It’s Morning in America” like just-got-out-of-bed hair!

Barack Obama

Last week, social media was abuzz over a doctored photo of Barack Obama that showed him sporting a beard. Now it’s time to start the equally compelling rumor that he has started shaving his eyebrows.

Abraham Lincoln

Can you spot what’s wrong with this picture of Abraham Lincoln? Or, to phrase it more accurately, can you spot what’s right?

Jimmy Carter

If Jimmy Carter had a teardrop tattoo, then we wouldn’t have to keep wondering how many of his rivals he’s killed in prison brawls.

Zachary Taylor

One question we get over and over again is, “What would Zachary Taylor look like with the hair of Tom Selleck and the mustache of Tom Selleck?” Well, here you go. Now leave us alone, Tom Selleck!

James Garfield

A great look for any man is to dress up like a chef. Then everybody will think, “Mmm…I wonder what he’s got cooking!” The only downside is that, eventually, you will be expected to produce some kind of food.

William McKinley

William McKinley didn’t need a lot of work. We just doubled-down on his existing look. (His existing look is “eyebrows!”)

John F. Kennedy

If you think there’s no way to make JFK more handsome, it’s because you have not considered the possibility of a second, equally handsome head.

Lyndon B. Johnson

At this point, we’re just throwing stuff at the wall to see what sticks.

Richard Nixon

Richard Nixon would have been a great addition to the Constitutional Convention, to remind everyone how important their work was.

Calvin Coolidge

This giant snake speaks for itself. (It says “hiss!”)