Young Ronald Reagan

Normally, we don’t use this platform to promote any sort of cause or agenda. (Except for the agenda of trying to get you to buy our book, through frequent, gratuitous mentions of our book.)

But this isn’t as a matter of principle. After all, this is a website that ranks people in order of hotness—clearly, I have no principles.* The reason is simply that there has never been a cause that really inspired me. Until now.

The town of Dixon, Illinois, wants to erect a statue of young Ronald Reagan wearing a bathing suit. This is also what I want. It is something I want so badly that I can taste it. (It tastes like cold metal, which is also how this statue would taste if I were to discreetly lick it.)

I can tell you are brimming over with questions.** And, because I enjoy having fake conversations with you, I will do my best to answer them.

Why does the town of Dixon, Illinois, want to erect a statue of young Ronald Reagan wearing a bathing suit?

Dixon is Ronald Reagan’s childhood home. He moved there when he was 9 and lived there until after college.

Yeah, but why the bathing suit?

Why NOT a bathing suit? Why do our statues of presidents always have to be fully-clothed? Do American sculptors think they know better than Michelangelo? Honestly, even a swimsuit is sad concession to American puritanism.

Where would this statue be located?

The plan is to erect the statue in Lowell Park, which is where young Ronald Reagan worked as a lifeguard during the summer. In all, he is credited with pulling 77 swimmers out of the water!

Why? Did he just hate swimming?

I think the idea is that he was rescuing them from drowning. The best way to rescue someone from drowning is to pull them out of the water.

Lake Lowell

This is actually a picture of a different Lowell Park in Idaho. But I think they should have a statue of Ronald Reagan in a bathing suit, too.

What are the hours of this park? Will it be possible for me to visit at night, so I can be alone with the statue?

The park is open between the hours of 7am and 8pm.

I don’t want it to seem like I’m down on this idea, but doesn’t Dixon already have two statues of Ronald Reagan?

This is technically true. But before you decide anything, let’s take a look at the statues in question.

Statue #1

Ronald Reagan statue

The first statue is located at Ronald Reagan’s Boyhood Home. My issue with it is that they’re not even trying to make Ronald Reagan look sexy. It is literally a statue of him admiring kernels of corn.

Ronald Reagan statue plaque

Look closely, and you’ll see that they originally used the wrong version of “its” and had to chisel off the apostrophe!

Statue #2

Ronald Reagan statue

This statue can be found on the riverfront in downtown Dixon. It is pretty sexy, but it’s also way up high on top of a slick block of granite, making it impossible for me to climb up there without a ladder. And let me tell you, nothing attracts attention in downtown Dixon like carrying around a big ladder, and then positioning that ladder next to the statue of Ronald Reagan and climbing up on top of the horse so you can wrap your arms around Ronald’s Reagan’s trim waist and pretend that he is your cowboy boyfriend.

OK, I see your point. So how much is this statue going to cost?

The most recent estimate is $200,000.

WHAT? That’s crazy! For that amount of money, the town of Dixon could build a pretty nice 3-bedroom ranch house!

Or a mediocre four-bedroom one! But look at it this way: This statue could be the start of something big. Just imagine what it would be like if, wherever you went, there were statues of young, scantily clad presidents. Playing beach volleyball in parks, reclining on sidewalks, waiting with you at the bus stop, etc.

Sure, that would be great. But how would any of us get any work done?

Pretty soon, robots are going take all of our jobs anyway. This will give us something to do, at least until the robots realize that we’re parasites and decide to stop feeding us.

OK, I’m sold. How do I help?

Unfortunately, this project is currently stalled. But I have to think that it couldn’t hurt to mail a check to Dixon City Hall. Here’s the address:

Dixon City Hall
121 W 2nd St
Dixon, IL 61021

Just make sure to put “Ronald Reagan bathing suit statue” on the memo line, so that it doesn’t accidentally get applied to all of your unpaid parking tickets.

*For the record, JD does have principles and is deeply troubled by much of the content of this website.

**I can tell you’re brimming with questions because of the expression on your face, which I can view via the front-facing camera on your device. You read this website’s privacy policy, right?