You might not know this about me, but the main thing I look for in a man is a nice pair of eyebrows. If a guy with mediocre eyebrows approaches me, I tell him, “Sorry, not interested.” Then when he says, “Um, I was just wondering if you could give me directions to the metro?” I say “No way.”
Now, there have been a lot of different rankings of the U.S. presidents, but has anyone ever ranked the presidents in order of best eyebrows? Hopefully not, because I spent a lot of time on this.
And hey, as long as you’re obviously not busy, why not preorder our book, Hottest Heads of State: The American Presidents? I promise I only bring up eyebrows in it like one or two times.
(OK, actually I just checked and it’s five times.)
1. Warren G. Harding
The president with the best eyebrows is Warren G. Harding. There—now you have a great comeback for the next time someone claims you don’t know anything about Warren G. Harding! Or for the next time someone claims you don’t know anything about eyebrows.
2. Abraham Lincoln
When people think of Abraham Lincoln, mostly they think “eyebrows!” After that, they think “beard!” Then, finally, they go back and think about his eyebrows some more.
3. Franklin D. Roosevelt
Yes, FDR’s eyebrows are amazing. But he probably spent a lot of money on eyebrow grooming to create jobs for out-of-work dust bowl farmers.
4. Richard Nixon
How could someone with such great eyebrows be a crook? Has anyone ever done a study on the correlation between eyebrows and crookedness? If not, then there’s your senior thesis! (If you’re not a college senior, then it will just be your regular thesis.)
5. Barack Obama
“Alternate history” is always tricky, but still, I’m going to go out on a limb and say that Barack Obama’s eyebrows would be doing better in the White House than the current occupant. Sure, they would just be lying immobile on the Resolute desk all day. But at least they wouldn’t tweet, and they wouldn’t know how to ask for the nuclear launch codes.
6. John Quincy Adams
John Quincy Adams wins the award for “longest eyebrows.” He does not receive a prize, because long eyebrows are their own reward.
7. James K. Polk
I love it when a man has white hair and black eyebrows. If you make him stand in front of a white wall, he’ll just looks like a pair of sexy, floating eyebrows! So there’s a first date idea for you and James K. Polk.
8. Woodrow Wilson
Here are some eyebrows that you could really sink your teeth into, although Woodrow Wilson wishes you wouldn’t.
9. Andrew Jackson
Andrew Jackson’s eyebrows are so perfect that they almost look painted on. (And they were. This is a painting!)
10. Ulysses S. Grant
One of Grant’s eyebrows is slightly angled, so he always looks a little skeptical. I can almost hear him saying, “Are you sure you’re pulling off that hat?” And then I keep putting on different hats until, finally, the photo of Ulysses S. Grant winks at me.
11. Herbert Hoover
These are the kind of eyebrows that you could set your watch to. (Your watch will say “eyebrows!”)
12. Chester A Arthur
If you look at a lot of photos of Chester A. Arthur (there’s another great first date idea!), you’ll see that his eyebrows wanted to grow into one giant eyebrow. But he didn’t let that happen. He was vigilant about eyebrow grooming, even if it meant having to take really long lunches.
13. Martin Van Buren
If you’re wondering “But where do Martin Van Buren’s eyebrows end and his hair begins?” the answer is “In your heart.”
14. Millard Fillmore
Millard Fillmore appears to have had one regular eyebrow and one eyebrow that was set at a 45° angle. This would have made for a great diversionary tactic when people asked him about the Know Nothing party’s nativist, anti-immigrant platform. “Oh, I’m not sure about that, but hey, check out my asymmetrical eyebrows! And keep your eyes affixed on them while I slowly back out of the room.”
15. Lyndon B. Johnson
Lyndon B. Johnson once said, “The noblest search is the search for excellence [in eyebrows].”
16. Franklin Pierce
Pierce’s gracefully arched salt-and-pepper eyebrows help take your mind off how sad his life was. (Don’t look it up, unless you like reading sad stories about couples whose lives collapse into depression and terminal alcoholism after the deaths of all of their children. Oops, we just gave it away!)
17. James Madison
These eyebrows look nice and robust, but keep in mind that James Madison was very petite and his eyebrows would have been proportionally small and delicate, like the eyebrows of a tiny sprite.
18. John Adams
John Adams does not have the same sexy eyebrow arch as his son, John Quincy Adams. But he does have that weird thing where his eyebrow wraps around the side of his eye like it’s got someplace to be and it’s late.
19. James Buchanan
James Buchanan has eyebrows that say, “Why not take a chance on James Buchanan?” You just have to keep reminding yourself that we did take a chance on James Buchanan, and it was terrible.
20. Andrew Johnson
Andrew Johnson has the perfect eyebrows for looking angry and mean and a little confused.
21. Thomas Jefferson
If you stare at this image of Thomas Jefferson’s eyebrows long enough, it will start to seem like they’re moving toward you. (This might be true of other presidents’ eyebrows too, but I can’t stop looking at Jefferson’s eyebrows long enough to check.)
22. Calvin Coolidge
It’s hard to write 44 captions about eyebrows. I thought it would be easy, but it is not. I’m glad I didn’t try to write this ten years from now, when there would have been even more presidents. (Maybe.)
23. John Tyler
Obviously, John Tyler’s eyebrows are fake. Only mammals can grow true hair. But they’re pretty good fakes, and it’s impressive he could get them to adhere to his slick, gelatinous skin.
24. Grover Cleveland
Like everything else about him, Grover Cleveland’s eyebrows are kind of droopy. (That includes his droopy management of the “Panic of 1893” economic crisis. And, clearly, his mustache.)
25. Rutherford B. Hayes
Without eyebrows, not only would Rutherford B. Hayes be less handsome, he would always be getting sweat and bits of debris in his eyes!
26. Zachary Taylor
Yes, Zachary Taylor looks like a hobo. But who knows how much work went into achieving that elusive “my eyebrows just got out of bed” look?
27. Harry S. Truman
My gripe with Harry S. Truman’s eyebrows is that they start too far back. Just imagine what he would look like with a really strong set of eyebrows. What a hunk!
28. Ronald Reagan
Ronald Reagan was a competitive swimmer when he was younger, and I want to know why competitive swimmers don’t shave their eyebrows. Or, actually, maybe I’m glad that they don’t. Because it leaves a window open for me to shave my eyebrows, and shock the world at the 2020 Tokyo Olympics!
29. George H.W. Bush
If your eyebrows ever met George H.W. Bush’s eyebrows, his would say “We got shot down during WWII and had to parachute into the Pacific ocean.” And yours would say “Same here!” Because they are liars. Because that’s what plucking your eyebrows is: a lie.
30. George W. Bush
Guess who inherited his father’s weird eyebrows???
(The answer is George W. Bush! And also, perhaps, you.)
31. Jimmy Carter
Jimmy Carter’s eyebrows are too thin for my taste. But at least they’re the eyebrows of a man you can trust, because he’s definitely not hiding a switchblade in there.
32. William Henry Harrison
When you comb your eyebrows forward and down, it’s called a “Caesar cut.” So that’s what to tell your eyebrow stylist.
33. Theodore Roosevelt
Teddy Roosevelt’s eyebrows are hiding, as you would be if you thought he might come at you with a pair of eyebrow scissors.
34. George Washington
I can’t tell if George Washington didn’t have any eyebrows, or if his eyebrows were so incredibly dense that not even light could escape their pull.
35. William Taft
After his presidency, Taft was appointed to the U.S. Supreme Court. Sadly, his eyebrows did not make the cut and had to be left behind.
36. James Garfield
James Garfield would appreciate your help in looking for the other half of his eyebrow. And no, he doesn’t remember where he last saw it. If he remembered he wouldn’t be asking for your help.
37. Donald Trump
Donald Trump’s eyebrows are trying to escape from his face, as are we all.
38. James Monroe
James Monroe is making love to you with his eyebrows right now, and you are probably finding the experience to be lackluster.
39. Benjamin Harrison
A pensive Benjamin Harrison, lost in a moment of nostalgia for the time before his eyebrows were absorbed into his skin.
40. Gerald Ford
You cannot trust a blonde man because you cannot see his eyebrows. Unless he colors his eyebrows in with a marker. But that raises a whole other host of questions!
41. Bill Clinton
I’ll be honest, I never noticed that Bill Clinton’s eyebrows were so pale and fine. If I were asked to describe him for a police sketch artist, I would have given him big, bushy gray eyebrows. (And also a visor, just for fun!)
42. John F. Kennedy
JFK had no eyebrows and that’s why nobody finds him attractive.
43. Dwight D. Eisenhower
I’m not sure what’s going on with Dwight D. Eisenhower’s eyebrows, but whatever it is, it’s a shame. With the right pair of eyebrows, he could have been a very sexy bald man with weird eyes!
44. William McKinley
Sorry, William McKinley! Sometimes nice guys finish last, like when they are being ranked in order of eyebrows, and their eyebrows make them look like a bat.