The temperatures here in St. Louis are starting to dip from the mid-90s to the low-90s, which means that Halloween is just around the corner. And, as the parents of two young children, that means we need to start thinking about Halloween costumes for our Defective Candle.
(If you’re not familiar with Defective Candle, it’s a defective candle that we’ve been trying to sell on Etsy for $1,000. But since we haven’t sold it yet, now we get to make tiny Halloween costumes for it. Your loss is our gain, candle consumers!)
This is a perfect costume for the Defective Candle because the Defective Candle doesn’t talk. When people see it in costume, they’ll say, “Oh, aren’t you cute! Are you a ghost? Can you say ‘Boo?’” But the “ghost” will be eerily still and silent. And then people will start to feel creeped out, thinking “Wait is this a REAL ghost?”
When some pedant says, “I think you mean Frankenstein’s Monster,” you can shout, “English is a living language, motherf*****!” And then hurl the Defective Candle through their biggest, most expensive-looking window.
Then ask them to give the candle back, because it is extremely rare and expensive.
This can be a pretty realistic-looking costume, given the fact that the Defective Candle is already a metal cylinder. So if you’re going through security on Halloween, make sure to tell the security guard, “I’ve got something in my bag that looks exactly like a bomb, but I promise that it is NOT a bomb. I mean, it’s highly flammable, but it’s not a BOMB. Except in the idiomatic sense that ‘it’s the bomb.’”
This costume never, ever gets old, even if you see it on someone every single Halloween of your life. He’s a literal magnet…for chicks! Except the kind of chick you use to teach elementary school kids about reproduction, or for animal feed.
This is a confrontational costume, meant less to entertain than to provoke conversation about the meaning of the word “defective.” Just tell people it’s dressed up as a non-defective candle. They’ll look at it, then at you, then back at the candle, all while you dare them to say something bad about it.
10th U.S. President John Tyler
This is a pretty easy costume for people to guess, because John Tyler is the only U.S. president who was also a swamp monster.
I just realized that “Skylab” would have been an amazing name for one of our kids. Or both! Skylab Dobson. That would have been a kid destined for great things! Oh well. Sorry, kids.