Emmanuel Macron, president of France

Will no one let Emmanuel Macron out of this box?

It’s time to get to know Emmanuel Macron!

You probably thought it was time to get to know Emmanuel Macron a few weeks ago, when he was elected president of France. But the truth is that it’s better to wait and let him age a bit first, like a nice bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon or a fondue.

So here are 10 facts about Emmanuel Macron that are almost too crazy to believe. And indeed, you are wise to be skeptical.

1. He is the president of France. You might be familiar with France from the time you found a faded map of the world under a floorboard in your grandfather’s attic. You knew immediately that it was something special, but you were only able to study it for a few minutes before you heard your grandfather coming. And when you snuck into the attic again a few weeks later, it was gone.

2. At 39 years old, Macron is the youngest president France has ever had. To help you appreciate how young Emmanuel Macron is, here is an non-exhaustive list of people who are older than Emmanuel Macron:

  1. Jennifer Aniston
  2. Jennifer Aniston’s dad
  3. Jennifer Aniston’s brother, Kevin Aniston.
  4. Former president Jimmy Carter
  5. J.D.

3. He majored in philosophy. Some people think that majoring in philosophy is a waste of time, but Emmanuel Macron has proven them wrong. So the next time someone asks you what you’re planning to do with your philosophy degree, just tell them “This!” and then hit them on the head with your philosophy degree. (Hopefully you sprung to have it framed!)

4. He’s a prize-winning pianist. Which sounds impressive, but what was the prize for? Wikipedia is suspiciously silent on the subject.

5. He’s written a bunch of novels but he won’t let us read them. According to Macron, his unpublished works include “an epistolary novel about the Aztecs, a love story and one about a pianist that plays with time.” Which raises a lot of questions, mostly about the meaning of “epistolary.”

6. He made a fortune by becoming an investment banker. Why didn’t I think of that??????????????

7. He married his high school teacher. Look, we all want to marry our high school teachers. But the appropriate time to embark on a romantic relationship with your high school teacher is after you have graduated from high school.

Macron and his wife, Brigette, are annoyingly coy about when they got together. But it was definitely when Macron was still in school, because his parents tried to break them up by sending Macron away to Paris. Paris, the most romantic city in the world, where Brigette was perfectly capable of traveling to visit Macron. So for some reason that didn’t work.

8. He can do this trick where he flips a water bottle upside down and, well, you just have to see it.

9. He started his own political party, En Marche! The exclamation mark is part of the name, just like with ChipsAhoy! He probably got the idea from ChipsAhoy!

10. En Marche! has the same initials as “Emmanuel Macron.” Which I hope is a coincidence but deep down know is not a coincidence.

NOTE: En Marche! roughly translates to “In March!” I guess because Macron thought the election was going to be in March. (The election was in April/May, so he was really close!)