The Vice Presidents of the United States: In Order of Hotness

Hey, why isn’t there a Vice President’s Day? Is it just because vice presidents don’t do anything? And if so, then what is up with Flag Day?

It’s time we did something to honor all of the vice presidents who have nobly served this country by sitting quietly and waiting for the president to die. And that’s why today we are ranking the vice presidents in order of hotness, because it is the only way I can think of to honor people. Maybe this is why I’m asked to speak at so few high school graduations.

As long as you’re here, please follow us on Facebook and/or Twitter, because it will make us happy. We’re not going to pretend that there’s anything in it for you.

And if you like vice presidents, you should check out our book, Hottest Heads of State: The American Presidents, because there are definitely some vice presidents in there! (Specifically, the ones who went on to become president.)

David Lienemann / White House

1. Joe Biden

President: Barack Obama

What is it about Joe Biden?

Oh I’ll just tell you. It’s his teeth!!!!!!!

alabamamoments.alabama.gov

2. William Rufus King

President: Franklin Pierce

If you have a secret crush on William Rufus King, then that is one more thing you have in common with President James Buchanan.

The other thing is that you both failed to prevent the Civil War.

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3. Theodore Roosevelt

President: William McKinley

The problem with making Theodore Roosevelt your vice president is that he is going to be way, way more popular than you. That and he’s been dead for ninety-seven years. What I’m saying is, people are going to think it’s a weird choice.

si.edu

4. John C. Calhoun

Presidents: John Quincy Adams, Andrew Jackson

Before you go falling in love with John C. Calhoun, you should see this series of photos of him growing increasingly decrepit. Go ahead—print them out and make your own terrifying flipbook!

Now if you still want to fall in love with John C. Calhoun, it’s fine with me. Hopefully you also love slavery because he loooooved slavery.

Wikimedia Commons

5. Al Gore

President: Bill Clinton

If you’re suddenly feeling flushed, it’s not because of climate change—it’s just this sexy photo of Al Gore! (And also a little climate change.)

whitehouseresearch.org

6. Thomas Jefferson

President: John Adams

Jefferson was Adams’ vice president, because back then, the runner-up for president got to be vice president. It’s sort of like if instead of getting a silver medal at the Olympics, you got punched in the face.

U.S. Department of Defense

7. Dan Quayle

President: George H.W. Bush

Dan Quayle is pretty excited that history will remember him as the vice president who defeated the Soviet Union.

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8. Aaron Burr

President: Thomas Jefferson

Aaron Burr really put the “vice” in “vice president”! (His vice was shooting people.)

(SEE ALSO: The Aaron Burr Scented Candle)

Wikimedia Commons

9. Richard Mentor Johnson

President: Martin Van Buren

Richard M. Johnson tried to convince the Senate that America should be the first country to drill a hole to the center of the Earth. So sort of like the Space Race, except that instead of putting a man on the moon we all get covered in lava.

A heartbeat away from the presidency, folks!

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10. Calvin Coolidge

President: Warren G. Harding

Calvin Coolidge is a great VP pick if you’re looking for a pale figure who follows you around silently hoping you’ll die.

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11. Harry S. Truman

President: Franklin D. Roosevelt

Truman’s favorite party trick was to encourage his dinner guests to order the “Kansas City Strip.” Then he’d strip.

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12. Charles Fairbanks

President: Theodore Roosevelt

If you’re wondering what it would be like to kiss Vice President Charles Fairbanks, just kiss a push broom. Ah, history coming alive!

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13. William Wheeler

President: Rutherford B. Hayes

For everyone out there with a widow’s peak, here is a great look for a night out on the town collecting human fingers.

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14. Walter Mondale

President: Jimmy Carter

Walter Mondale wants to tell you about his porcelain doll collection. He’s been waiting in your driveway all night and he really wants to tell you about it.

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15. George H.W. Bush

President: Ronald Reagan

Nothing looks sexier than chewing on a pair of eyeglasses. Don’t believe me? Go ahead—grab someone’s eyeglasses and give it a try!

Kansas Historical Society

16. Charles Curtis

President: Herbert Hoover

Charles Curtis was half Kaw, which means that we were really close to having a president of Native American descent. But Herbert Hoover ruined it for all of us with his robust health.

Wikimedia Commons

17. Richard Nixon

President: Dwight Eisenhower

Did you know that Richard Nixon was once a vice president? As if Dwight Eisenhower hadn’t already been through enough!

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18. Henry Wallace

President: Franklin D. Roosevelt

Henry Wallace was a self-described mystic, which must have made for some uncomfortable first dates.

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19. James Sherman

President: William H. Taft

James Sherman was the first vice president to fly in a plane. Now thanks to him, every vice president wants to get to fly in a plane!

Jose Mora / Wikimedia Commons

20. Thomas A. Hendricks

President: Grover Cleveland

Thomas Hendricks died a few months into his term—although to be honest, so did like half of these guys. I haven’t been mentioning it, because I didn’t want to make you feel sad. (Well, I didn’t want to until now.)

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21. John Nance Garner

President: Franklin D. Roosevelt

John Nance Garner was nicknamed “Cactus Jack,” even though personally I think he looks more like a cloud.

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22. Hubert Humphrey

President: Lyndon B. Johnson

Hubert Humphrey wants to see if you can throw a grape into his mouth. Don’t be shy—throw a grape at Hubert Humphrey!

Wikimedia Commons

23. Garret Hobart

President: William McKinley

Here is Garret Hobart, looking wistfully off into a future that felt brimming with possibilities. Unfortunately, his future consisted of dying of heart failure at the age of 55. Wanting to avoid having this happen again, President McKinley replaced him with Teddy Roosevelt, a man who could literally be shot in the chest and, if anything, get even healthier.

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24. Schuyler Colfax

President: Ulysses S. Grant

Schuyler Colfax looks like such a nice guy, you just want to offer him a bribe. Go ahead—cram a $5 bill into your computer and see what happens!

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25. Levi P. Morton

President: Benjamin Harrison

James Garfield wanted Levi Morton to be his vice president, but Morton turned him down. Which was stupid, because everyone knows that James Garfield gets assassinated.

White House

26. Nelson Rockefeller

President: Gerald Ford

It’s a testament to the meritocratic nature of America that even with all that money, Nelson Rockefeller could still only become vice president. To become president, you need the raw intelligence, talent and political savvy of a Gerald Ford.

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27. Gerald Ford

President: Richard Nixon

If you ever meet Sarah Palin, be sure to point out that she ran for VP but lost, while Gerald Ford didn’t run for VP, but did become VP. And then she will say, “Under the powers granted to me by Chancellor Trump I sentence the prisoner to death,” but it will have been worth it.

Wikimedia Commons

28. Spiro Agnew

President: Richard Nixon

Spiro Agnew went to Johns Hopkins. The next time someone brags to you about having gone to Johns Hopkins, be sure to bring this up.

Wikimedia Commons

29. George Mifflin Dallas

President: James K. Polk

George Dallas does not dress like this to get attention, OK? He dresses this was because it’s how he feels inside. Here, read this poem he wrote about it.

Beinecke Rare Book & Manuscript Library, Yale University

30. Millard Fillmore

President: Zachary Taylor

The first rule of making out with Millard Fillmore is that you are not allowed to touch his hair.

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31. Adlai Stevenson

President: Grover Cleveland

Ugh, is this still going? There have been way too many vice presidents. I feel like American democracy is ending just in time.

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32. Dick Cheney

President: George W. Bush

Here is Dick Cheney at home in his kitchen.

National Archives

33. Andrew Johnson

President: Abraham Lincoln

Andrew Johnson was visibly intoxicated at Lincoln’s inauguration. He’s sort of like the best man in a wedding who shows up to the reception really drunk and gives a rambling and incoherent speech until someone finally cuts him off and swears him in as vice president.

Truman Presidential Library

34. Alben Barkley

President: Harry S. Truman

Alben Barkley’s grandson invented the nickname “Veep.” So some might say that Alben Barkley’s grandson had a greater legacy than Alben Barkley. (I, for example, would say it.)

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35. Daniel D. Tompkins

President: James Monroe

If you’re painting the portrait of someone with a lazy eye and you leave it in, what does that say about you? I’m talking to you, early 19th century artist John Wesley Jarvis! If you’re reading this, please defend yourself in the comments section and also tell me the secret of immortality.

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36. Henry Wilson

President: Ulysses S. Grant

Here is another of Grant’s vice presidents who was caught accepting bribes, but Congress let him go ahead and be vice president anyway. You can tell that Congress was cooler back then.

37. Hannibal Hamlin

President: Abraham Lincoln

Hannibal Hamlin looks sad and defeated because he invented tie-dying but no one was buying his tie-dyed vests. You were born too soon, Hannibal Hamlin!

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38. Elbridge Gerry

President: James Madison

Are you looking for a way to make yourself less likable? Sure, we all are. Well, the next time hear someone say the word “gerrymander,” tell them, “Actually, ‘gerrymandering’ should be pronounced with a hard ‘g’, because it’s named after Vice President Elbridge Gerry, whose name was pronounced like ‘Gary, Indiana.’”

And they’ll say, “Oh, Gary Indiana, isn’t there where Michael Jackson was from?” and you’ll say “Focus, dammit, we’re talking about Elbridge Gerry!”

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39. Thomas Marshall

President: Woodrow Wilson

A bookish academic like Woodrow Wilson needed to balance the ticket with the more physical, muscular charisma of a brute like Thomas Marshall.

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40. Martin Van Buren

President: Andrew Jackson

If you use a magnifying glass, you can see that inside the house painted behind Martin Van Buren there is a teeny tiny Martin Van Buren posing with a book. And behind him is a tiny painting of a house, and within it an even smaller Martin Van Buren. And as you gaze through the glass, you feel yourself falling forward, and inward, and now you are inside the painting, and you are Martin Van Buren.

So now you have to wait for some other nerd to come to the museum with a magnifying glass. Great.

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41. Lyndon B. Johnson

President: John F. Kennedy

Having Lyndon B. Johnson as your vice president is like having a house cat. He thinks he’s smarter than you, he enjoys toying with his prey, and he won’t mind if you die and leave the place to him.

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42. John Tyler

President: William Henry Harrison

If John Tyler stayed in direct sunlight for more than a few minutes, he started to melt into a thick gray goo. But William Henry Harrison needed to balance the Whig ticket with a Southerner, so he couldn’t be too picky!

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43. Charles G. Dawes

President: Calvin Coolidge

Here is a rare photo of Vice President Charles Dawes passing a kidney stone.

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44. Chester A. Arthur

President: James Garfield

Chester A. Arthur was our first Canadian president. But, let’s be honest, probably not our last. The sooner we accept it, the easier the transition will be.

whitehouseresearch.org

45. John Adams

President: George Washington

Although his nose, chin and jowls got larger with age, in earlier portraits John Adams’ head is a perfect sphere.

U.S. National Archives and Records Administration

46. John C. Breckenridge

President: James Buchanan

When you hear that thunk, thunk sound downstairs late at night, it’s not your icemaker. It’s former vice president John C. Breckinridge.

(OK, technically it’s John C. Breckinridge using your icemaker. He likes to have a cold drink before he heads upstairs to feast on the living!)

nyhistory.org

47. George Clinton

President: Thomas Jefferson, James Madison

Poor George Clinton, coming in last behind someone who is obviously a ghost! But that’s what he gets for styling his hair to match his shirt collar. And also for whatever is going on with his eyebrows.