If you’re not already familiar with Canada, it’s the country that sits atop America’s head like a large, misshapen hat. In the interest of furthering your Canadian education, below you’ll find all of the Canadian prime ministers listed in order of hotness. Now just commit this list to memory, and you’ll really wow that Canadian you know! Then maybe you can convince them to smuggle you some cheap prescription drugs.
Feel free to thank me by following us on Facebook or Twitter, or by sending me some cupcakes in the mail.
(Note: Please do not poison the cupcakes, because I’ll tell you right now that I’m too lazy to check my cupcakes for poison before eating them.)
1. Justin Trudeau
I don’t know why that’s the whole package, but it is. Best to just accept it and move on.
2. John Turner
Uh oh. I think I’m in love. And with a Canadian! What am I going to tell my mom?
(Wait, I know—I’ll tell her he’s American!)
3. Pierre Trudeau
If you aren’t convinced that Pierre Trudeau deserves the #3 spot, just check out this series of photos of him behaving abnormally.
4. Arthur Meighen
I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “Arthur Meighen is ranked way too high. He looks like a skeleton. A handsome skeleton, sure, but the more I look at this photo the more I…wait. I think he just hypnotized me a little. Yep. I’ve definitely been hypnotized by this photo of Arthur Meighen, and now I have to do its bidding.”
But I’m going to have to stop you right there, because you’re boring me!
5. Sir Mackenzie Bowell
It’s hard to tell what Sir Mackenzie Bowell looked like, because this is just a photo of a giant beard. (I ranked him pretty high anyway—just in case.)
6. Sir Robert Borden
Sir Robert Borden became prime minister as part of a nationwide talent search to find the toughest-looking Canadian. Once the winner was picked, Sir Borden challenged him to a wrestling match and threw him off a cliff, thus becoming prime minister.
7. Louis St. Laurent
Louis St. Laurent looks like he should be commanding a missile base in Dr. Strangelove. And who knows, maybe he did! I don’t know anything about Canadian history.
8. Kim Campbell
If you were hoping to be the first female prime minister of Canada, then I’ve got some bad news: You’re 20 years too late. Also, you’re a man. Sorry!
9. Mackenzie King
If your house is being haunted by a former Canadian prime minister, it’s probably the ghost of Mackenzie King. Just leave out a plate of poutine for him before you go to bed, and then he’ll stop levitating your furniture all the time. (If you’re sure that’s what you want.)
10. Brian Mulroney
I could tell you how Brian Mulroney got the nickname “The Lawnmower Bandit,” but that would spoil the surprise!
11. Lester B. Pearson
Lester Pearson isn’t angry—he’s just disappointed in you.
12. R.B. Bennett
It wasn’t easy being the richest man in Canada during the Great Depression.
OK, it was sort of easy. Just, you know, not as easy as usual.
13. Joe Clark
There’s something about Joe Clark that makes me think of Mr. Rogers. Maybe it’s the way he’s smiling with his mouth slightly open. Maybe it’s the way he wears a lot of cardigans and rides a trolley to work and talks to imaginary tigers. Whatever it is, I like it, and I want to be his neighbor.
14. Paul Martin
If you’re a fan of Paul Martin, you can see him in person by traveling to Montreal, driving to his house, shimmying up the drainpipe, crawling through his bedroom window, and shouting “Wake up, Paul Martin!”
15. Stephen Harper
Look at this photo and see if you can guess which one of these adorable critters is the former prime minister of Canada. You might be surprised by the answer!
16. Jean Chrétien
Did you know that Jean Chrétien was elected to Parliament even though he didn’t speak English? The Canadian people aren’t very picky.
17. Sir Wilfrid Laurier
You might recognize Sir Wilfrid Laurier from seeing him on the Canadian 5-dollar bill, like if you’ve ever stolen a Canadian’s wallet.
18. Sir John A. Macdonald
Sir John A. Macdonald was the first prime minister of Canada. (The last prime minister of Canada will be a sentient supercomputer.)
19. Sir John Thompson
Remember the time the U.S. told Canada that only American seal hunters were allowed to hunt seals in the Bering Sea? Ha! That was classic.
Sir John Thompson is still pretty mad about it though. He loves eating seals!
20. John Diefenbaker
History will always remember John Diefenbaker as one of the few real-life instances of a James Bond-style supervillain seizing control of a country.
21. Sir John Abbott
—Where would you like to be photographed, Mr. Prime Minister?
—I’ve got the perfect spot right here, in front of this disgusting blanket.
—Uh, I’m not sure…
—Now, make sure you get the whole blanket in there. I’ll just sit in this chair here and think about how much I hate politics. Mmmmmm.
22. Alexander Mackenzie
Unlike every other early prime minister of Canada, Alexander Mackenzie refused to be knighted. “I’ll be king or I’ll be nothing!” he said.
23. Sir Charles Tupper
Here’s a fashion tip from Sir Charles Tupper: Trim your nails into pointy, vampire-like talons. There. Now you’re ready for summer!