“Mattis, I want a total and complete shutdown of Muslims entering the United States, until we can figure out what is going on.”
Mattis frowns, looking confused. “Well, Mr. President, what is going on is that the Russians are invading one of our NATO allies. I’m not sure I see how a ban on Muslims entering the country would affect that.” He pauses for a moment. “Plus, while this isn’t really my purview, it doesn’t seem like such a hot idea for the government to start identifying and discriminating against members of a minority religious group. Sorry to get preachy on you there for a second, but it’s true.”
You roll your eyes in exasperation. “General, Russia and America are destined to be together, like Ike and Tina, or Sid and Nancy. And I’m not going to let a little disagreement about whether or not Russia can invade and annex its neighbors get in the way of me and Putin’s relationship. But we have to give the American people someone to be afraid of. Because if there is one lesson horror movies have taught us, it’s that living in mortal fear of something helps people make good decisions and lead happier lives.”
The military officers exchange nervous looks. You assume this is because they’re so impressed by your geopolitical strategizing and political savvy. Mattis turns back to you.
“Mr. President, I think now is the time to brief you on this country’s most closely held secret. There is one threat so dire, so insidious, that the American people should be walking around in fear of it, all the time. Mr. President, that critical threat is…sea monsters!
You grab the edge of your desk for support, and hope the Navy guys didn’t notice your knees quaking. “Sea monsters? But I thought sea monsters weren’t real!”
Mattis shakes his head. “Mr. President, sea monsters are all too real. They try to sneak into our country illegally all the time. And the only thing to stop this watery threat is a strong anti-sea monster defense cordon around the country.”
You pound the table. “Men, let’s make it happen. Let’s all do our part to keep the country safe from sea monsters. You guys go buy some boats and develop an attack plan or whatever. I’m going to send some tweets.”