You’re not going to blow off one of your earliest and most dedicated supporters for someone who probably didn’t even vote for you. You ask Reince for some privacy, and then you take Putin’s call.
“Hello!” says Putin. “Mr. President, how are you! Congratulations! I just watched your speech, and it was amazing. I still have chills. I’ve seen you give some fantastic speeches, but you just keep getting better. I’m literally wiping away tears of joy as we speak, that’s how much your speech moved me. And the part where you went on a five minute tangent about that beauty pageant contestant being fat? It was poetry. Pure poetry.”
You nod. It’s hard to disagree. “Yes, it’s hard to disagree.” you say.
Putin continues. “Now that you’re officially president, I have a special surprise that I couldn’t tell you about until now. Mr. President, I would like to invite you to join the ‘Super-Secret Best Friends Club’ with me, Vladimir Putin. Until now, I was the only person powerful and manly enough to be a member, but it’s obvious that you deserve to join. In honor of your new position, I’m going to send you a special Super-Secret Best Friends Club lapel pin. You should wear it all the time, make sure it’s close to your mouth but not too close, and don’t get it wet. Oh, and don’t tell anyone I gave it to you—otherwise our club won’t be secret anymore!”
Again, you nod. This is the kind of admiration and recognition you’ve been waiting your whole life for. In fact, it’s even better! Who needs the approval of a majority of Americans, when you’ve got Russian dictator Vladimir Putin!
You thank Vladimir for his call and are about to hang up when he says “Oh, there’s just one more thing, Mr. President. Do you remember how the U.S. had a Civil War, and Lincoln needed to go to war to keep the country whole and united? Well, I have a similar situation going on right now with a place called Latvia. They have rebelled, and so I am reluctantly using force to reestablish Moscow’s rule over them.”
You nod, understanding.“So, it’s basically like you’re the Lincoln of Russia.”
Putin laughs. “Yes, yes, Mr. President, you’re exactly right! The Lincoln of Russia! The situations are perfectly analogous. And while my troops work to defeat the rebels, I hope I can count on your support.”
You’re a little hurt that he thinks he has to ask, but you assure him that he can count on your support, and you hang up. You consider taking that intelligence briefing now, but first you check the weather report for Palm Beach. To your dismay, it’s 75° and sunny. In contrast, it’s 44° and rainy in Washington.
- If you tweet, “On this historic day, never forget how badly I beat @JebBush in the GOP primary, eight months ago. Terrible candidate, low energy!” turn to page 17.