You can hardly believe it, but it turns out that you have the authority to launch a nuclear attack for any reason whatsoever, without anyone else signing off on it. You’ve never liked the idea of an all-out nuclear war. But you also can’t stand the personal disrespect that Putin is showing you by continuing to act against America’s interests even now that a strong leader like you is president.
You turn away from the giant, $20,000 portrait of yourself you recently installed in the Oval Office and face Mattis and his staff. “Mattis, I want to launch a full nuclear strike against Russia. And China, while you’re at it. And Iran. And…to be on the safe side, let’s launch against Atlantis, too. Call my friend Alex Jones if you don’t know where Atlantis is, he can tell you. OK, do I need to sign something or are we good?”
Mattis looks at you with shock. “Mr. President, perhaps we could take a few minutes to explore military response options short of a nuclear first strike?”
You wave your hand dismissively. “No, no time. I promised Hugh Hewitt that I would learn the difference between Hamas and Hezbollah on my first day in office, and I want to make sure I get to that. General, launch the nukes. Reince, have Ivanka come tell me the difference between Hamas and Hezbollah.”