I love television as much as the next person who isn’t a monster. And yet, I feel like television is missing something these days. Specifically, it is missing Murder, She Wrote.
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Author: Kate
Available for a limited time only! (We hope.)
You don’t win anymore. You don’t win at buying candles, and you don’t win at having a nice-smelling home. But with a Trump-Scented candle, you will start winning again! (Just at those specific things though.)
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Here’s another chapter of Vladimir Putin fan fiction to keep you warm during these long winter nights! (But only if you print it out and fashion it into some kind of blanket.) Note that what it lacks in brevity, it makes up for in being extremely, extremely long.
Previous installments: Chapter 1 | Chapter 2
Image credit: ruleaks.net
Chapter 3: Putin on the Ritz
When you open your eyes, the sun is already high in the sky. You are alone in what appears to be a fairly lavish guest room, tucked into a large, canopied bed. Looking around the unfamiliar room, it takes you a moment to remember where you are. Then, all at once, your memories of the day before come flooding back.
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President of Croatia
http://predsjednica.hr/
Kolinda Grabar-Kitarović has been all over the news lately. What’s going on?
A couple of people mistook this photo of model/actress Coco Austin for Kolinda Grabar-Kitarović.
Why does this qualify as “news”?
Whenever one person is mistaken for another person while wearing a bathing suit, it is always major news.
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It is time to face the facts: Christmas is in a week, and you haven’t bought any Christmas presents yet.
Or, OK, maybe you have bought some Christmas presents. But unfortunately, they are all terrible.
Either way, I have good news! We here at Hottest Heads of State, via our parent company JD & Kate Industries, have an online store where you can buy even more terrible Christmas gifts! (Don’t worry—that wasn’t the good news. I’m saving that for later!)
Now let’s review some of the exciting products that may or may not ship in time for Christmas:
Putin-Scented Candle
The only candle that’s designed to smell like Russian President Vladimir Putin is real, and it is in production. Will we be able to ship it in time for Christmas? Probably not! But for now you can just print out this picture of the Putin-Scented Candle, stuff it inside the stockings of all of your friends and loved ones, and your Christmas shopping is done. I promise that they will not be disappointed! (Unless they don’t want their homes to smell like Vladimir Putin. Then they might be disappointed.)
Gag Fortune Cookies
Just imagine the look on your dad’s face when he opens up his fortune cookie and reads “TONIGHT, I WILL VISIT YOU IN YOUR DREAMS WITH A MESSAGE. DO NOT DARE IGNORE ME AGAIN.”
Ha! Classic.
Now imagine the look on your dad’s face when this happens NINE MORE TIMES (because these hilarious gag fortune cookies come in packs of 10!) He will think he’s losing his mind, and you will have given yourself the gift of gaslighting a loved one. These novelty fortune cookies, based on the web site Real Fortune Cookies, are available now in our Etsy store.
Senator Dracula Bumper Sticker
Did you forget to get a gift for your car? Well, here’s a bumper sticker that says “Senator Dracula” on it!
Even if you’re not familiar with JD’s serial novella Senator Dracula, you can still enjoy campaigning for Dracula with this colorful bumper sticker.
Satirical Trump “Brown Shirt”
Whether you hate Donald Trump and think he’s a fascist, OR you love Donald Trump and are OK with him being a fascist, the Donald Trump “Brown Shirt” is for you!
Oh hey, I almost forgot to tell you the good news! It’s that there’s another Star Wars movie now.
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U.S. State Department[/caption]
NOTE: As part of our ongoing effort to monetize this web site so we can quit our jobs and travel around the country solving mysteries, we are thrilled to offer an exciting new way for heads of state and government to improve their reputations by generating positive buzz online.
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