If you haven’t read our series of Putin Fan Fiction yet, I recommend doing so, and then this will make (slightly) more sense. Just explain to your family that they’ll have to postpone celebrating Christmas for another five or six hours, because you’re reading fan fiction about Vladimir Putin.

It’s the night before Christmas, and you are alone in your apartment, drinking wine out of a gingerbread house..

Previous installments: Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6

Chapter 7: Putin Your Neck on the Line

“Hello Dalia,” Putin says again, for the benefit of everyone who was too lazy to go back and reread the last chapter. “We were just talking about you.”

Previous installments: Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5

kremlin.ru, bigstockphotos.com

Chapter 6: Putin the Moves On You

Alexander Lukashenko insists on walking you home after dinner, even though it is freezing outside and you keep hinting that you would rather him take you home in a cab.

“I wonder if it would be more cold or less cold inside of a cab,” you hint.