President of the Democratic Republic of the Congo
The DRC is very hot right now. Well, actually it is not as hot as it normally is, since I’m writing this in July and it’s “winter” there. But it is normally very hot! It is also a “hot-bed” of violent insurrection (also a year-round, every-year occurrence)! And, of course, it has one of the hottest world leaders in Joseph Kabila. Are these things related? Probably.
At first glance, Kabila stands out among his African peers, because he doesn’t have scars on his face. Most African leaders have scars, because they macheted their way to power in the bush. Kabila, however, was born into power as a result of the violent and bloodthirsty work of his father. Sadly, Kabila’s father (also named Kabila, interestingly enough) died shortly after seizing power, due to complications associated with multiple machete wounds to the face. 🙁 But that leaves his son Joseph to rise to the top(ish) of our charts!
Joseph Kabila likes being President, especially the part where he gets to be handsome in front of cameras. We like that part too. What he is not so fond of is the whole “making-sure-the-southern-part-of-your-country-isn’t-embroiled-in-civil-war” part, but who would get excited about that, really? Especially considering that he has the southern part of his goatee to consider!
Joseph Kabila is a democrat who loves Freedom. That’s why he held elections, which were the best ever. According to Wikipedia, “every neutral observer has praised the elections.” Which sounds to me like they came in being like “whatever, elections,” and came out really amped about them. But who wouldn’t be, when the handsomest man won?
- Did you know that the civil war in “The Congo” is the deadliest conflict since World War II? 45,000 people are dying every month! Do you care? Probably not, because you are a jerk.
- The Democratic Republic of Congo used to be called Zaire, back when it was less democratic, and not so much of a republic. It was ok though, because the dictator wore much fancier (and authenticer) animal skin coats, and what-not!
- In the 70s, when it was still Zaire, Muhammad Ali fought then-heavyweight-champion George Foreman, and “won.” However, that is probably because while he was supposed to be concentrating on the fight, George Foreman instead came up with a really good idea about how he could cook meats on a waffle iron.
- The DRC is as big as France, or twice as big as Texas, or the other way around, or both.