President of Ecuador
Some people say to me, “Kate, I’ve noticed you often write about world leaders who you have a crush on. I am starting to suspect that this is part of a pathetic fantasy that these world leaders will somehow read what you wrote and be flattered and then run into you and ask you out on a date. Even though they’re married. And you’re married. And you have that unattractive limp.”
To these people, I say “Hey, do you happen to have Rafael Correa’s personal email address? If so, do you think you could send him a link to this website? Because that would really help me out.”
In other, wholly unrelated news, I have come to suspect that Rafael Correa is Superman. After doing extensive research on the subject for multiple minutes, I have unearthed an abundance of evidence:
1. Rafael Correa looks like Superman.
2. If Rafael Correa wore glasses, he would look like Clark Kent.
3. Sometimes Superman likes to take a break from being a superhero and run for president of a small South American country. (Still looking for a citation for this.)
4. There is no evidence of Rafael Correa ever having been in the same room as kryptonite.
5. It is unlikely that the above is just a coincidence, considering that Ecuador’s national dish contains kryptonite.
6. Ecuador’s national dish is grilled guinea pig with kryptonite sauce (for those who were wondering).
Now that that’s settled, the only question remaining is how we should proceed with this knowledge. This is what I propose:
1. First of all, we should probably try to keep this information from Lex Luthor. Hmm. Does Lex Luthor read this website? I’m not sure. But let’s all agree not to send him a link.
2. We should start wearing lead undergarments when visiting Ecuador.
3. Unless…do you think that would tip off Lex Luthor? Maybe instead we should just work out a bunch, so we don’t mind Rafael Correa seeing us naked.
4. Wait, is that even how x-ray vision works? Or is it like an x-ray, and he’ll just see our skeletons? Because I wouldn’t mind that so much. Maybe he’d be able to tell me if it’s a skeletal deformation that’s causing my limp.
5. OH GOD, NO! I’ve spotted Lex Luthor, and he’s reading this website!
6. Wait, false alarm! Turns out I was just seeing my own reflection in a mirror. (I’m wearing a bald cap.)