Tuilaepa Aiono Sailele Malielegaoi

“My friend, I can tell you are a smart guy, so I’m just going to give it to you straight: I have got a great deal for you.

“You like the beach, right? I mean, who doesn’t like the beach? Buddy, I’ve got a piece of property that is bounded by beach on every single side. What!? I know, can you believe it? This property here, “Samoa,” is an island with like…well I don’t know how many miles of coastline, but believe me, it’s a lot. Do you like golf? Holy shit, you could probably build 500 golf courses on these beaches, just wrapping all the way around.

“Look, a lot of people want to own an island, but they don’t think they can afford it. And I’m not gonna lie to you: 9 times out of 10, they’re right. You can pick up some crap sandbar or an abandoned oil platform pretty cheap, but a quality island costs real money. Your Marlon Brandos and your Dr. Moreaus can afford nice islands, but the rest of us? The best we can hope for is that our town gets flooded, and we move all our stuff onto the roof.

“But you’re lucky you came by today. Boy oh boy, are you lucky you came by today. Every now and then we get an off-shipment island that has been side-leveraged to the wrong quarter and…well, it’s complicated, I don’t even understand it. But the upshot is, I have to move Samoa today. Normally an island like this would go for a few billion; I mean, for chrissaake, it’s the size of Rhode Island! But I have to sell it today.

“So I tell you what. I’m going to write my offer down on this piece of paper and show it to you. If I say it out loud and my boss hears me, he’ll kill me, but he’ll also kill me if I don’t sell Samoa today, which is the only reason I’m giving you this deal.”