Michaëlle Jean

Roosewelt Pinheiro / Agencia Brasil

Our former #1, Yulia Tymoshenko, might not be the Prime Minister of Ukraine anymore, but she will always be the Prime Minister of Hotness. Just not on this website.

Earlier this week, Viktor Yanukovich narrowly defeated Tymoshenko in the Ukranian presidential election with 49% of the vote to Tymoshenko’s 45.5%. Political analysts say that it is no coincidence that exactly 45.5% of Ukrainians are hot and 49% are only good-looking. (The remaining 5.5% are bears.*) This election was a classic case of the “hots” versus the “hot-nots,” and it is a textbook example of how a bitter and unsightly proletariat will sometimes rebel against their hot superiors. Tymoshenko is disputing the election results, but the Hottest Heads of State Election Monitoring Group (which is what I call J.D. when he is wearing a visor), deemed the Ukrainian election to be “fair enough for us,” and so we are left with a gaping hole in the number one spot on our list of hottest world leaders.

It would have been reasonable for you to expect for second-place Norwegian Prime Minister Jens Stoltenberg to move into first place–a well-deserved reward for his country’s staunch commitment to hotness and for his piercing, soulful eyes. But we are not going to do that, because we want to keep Norway working for our approval. In a surprising twist, Canadian Governor General Michaëlle Jean has come out of left field (literally!) to snatch the first-place prize.**

The Governor General of Canada is a position appointed by Queen Elizabeth. (To be clear, I am referring to Queen Elizabeth I, who–with the aid of a traveling fortune-teller–foresaw the names of all of the Governors General of Canada through the year 2026. After 2026, she decreed that Canada be disbanded.) As Canada’s “vicereine,” technically Michaëlle Jean is not a head of state or a head of government, but the Hottest Heads of State Quality Control Group (which is what I call J.D. when he is wearing a top hat), said that she is “close enough for us.” Plus we couldn’t resist seeing how far we can push the title-martinets who stalk our comments section.***

Based on this turn of events, some of you are probably wondering if we’re Canadian ourselves, or at the very least, fans of Canada. I can assure you that we are neither. As evidence of the former, please see our site’s spelling of words like “color” and “center” and “Cannada.” As evidence of the latter…well, the truth is, we loathe Canada and everything it stands for.  Their callous disregard for the poor, their arrogant saber-rattling, and the Canadian people’s general ignorance about the rest of the world, including their closest neighbors? There is not a lot to like about Canada. This is probably why Queen Elizabeth appointed a Haitian-born French citizen to serve as her representative.

So, our grudging congratulations to the Canadian people; their failure to man up and join the United States in rebellion against the crown seems to have finally paid off. In hotness.

*But, surprisingly, they are koala bears.

**I don’t know what I meant by “literally” in that sentence, but I am open to suggestions!

***Note to title-martinets: Please, please stop commenting about how we don’t know the difference between heads of state and government. Or at the very least, don’t do so unless you’ve read our post on the matter. Because the truth is that we don’t know the difference, we’re embarrassed about it, and every time someone comments on it it makes us cry. Also: we are not going to add Queen Rania to the list, no matter how many times she is requested by “Dude” (who I assume works on some kind of Dude Ranch). If we start letting spouses of heads of state onto the list, the universe will collapse in on itself.

Final Note: Out of deference to the new hottest head of state and in the interest of bilingualism, you can find a French translation of this post below.

Je m’appelle JD. Parlez-vous Anglais? Je ne parle pas le Francais. Ou est le bureau de poste? Merci! Je voudrais un billet, s’il vous plait. Liberte, Egalite, Fraternite. Nom de guerre. Coup d’etat. Pas de Deux. Je ne sais pas. Joie d’vivre. Bon vivant. Jacque Chirac. Parliament.