Mohamed Nasheed


Most people are not very worried about their homes sinking into the ocean—even though they should be, if they live in Alberta.*

Another place that might sink into the ocean is the Maldives. Only one person has ever heard of the Maldives, so perhaps a brief history lesson is in order.

The Maldives is an island chain that was first settled by a group of British schoolboys who washed ashore after surviving a plane crash. The country is led by the sexy-in-a-nerdy-way President Mohamed Nasheed, who is best known for his trademark eyeglasses, which he stole from a political dissident named Piggy. Until recently, Nasheed’s presidency has centered around boar hunting and neglecting the signal fire, but the imminent danger of his island nation being submerged under water has temporarily diverted his attention.

Nasheed blames global warming for the rising sea levels that threaten the Maldives. Accordingly, he has become a vocal advocate against climate change–urging his citizens to cut down trees to make room for wind farms and imploring everyone to take longer showers to use up excess ocean water. Last week, Nasheed personally set fire to the Maldives’ coal plant, burning it to the ground, and then he burned the plant’s coal silo for good measure.

All the while, Nasheed is ignoring the mounting evidence that rising sea levels are not caused by global warming at all, but actually caused by God’s tears. And if we all start recycling and conserving energy, it’s just going to make God cry harder, because He thinks that stuff is dorky.

Since there is nothing we can do to stop God from crying (except go to church, which would be too boring), Maldives should probably prepare itself for the inevitable. Maybe President Nasheed should stop worrying about global warming and focus his energy on building an underwater utopia. Like Atlantis, or New Orleans.

*Yes, scientists predict that sometime in the next 18 months, the Canadian province of Alberta will abruptly sink into the ocean, shocking and confounding Albertittes as well as everyone else in the world–except for the aforementioned scientists, and for the residents of neighboring province Saskatchewan, who have been planning it all along.