I’m introducing a new feature to the site in which we look back at heads of state of the past and reflect on how attractive they were. This first series is titled Russian Leaders When they Were Young and Hunky, or Who Are Wearing Ferrets.
If you have a suggestion for someone to include in a future edition of Hottest Heads of State Through History, please send it along. Then I’ll write a funny caption for it and take all of the credit! It’s win-win.
Yaropolk II, Grand Prince of Kiev (1082–1139)
Let’s kick things off with the guy who is wearing a ferret!
Peter the Great, Tsar of Russia (1682-1725)
Peter the Great wants to know what you think of his mustache, and he wants you to be honest.
Catherine the Great, Empress of Russia (1762-1796)
I don’t like objectifying women, so let’s just talk about how smart she looks. (I don’t think she looks that smart!)
Nicholas II, Emperor of Russia (1894-1917)
Nicholas II’s tragic story is made all the more tragic by the fact that he was a dreamboat. If the Bolsheviks had only given him a chance, I’m sure he would have been happy to retire as tsar and start a new career as a furry hat model.
Joseph Stalin, General Secretary of the Communist Party (1922-1952)
You might recognize this photo of Young Joseph Stalin from the poster-size version that’s hanging on your wall. You know, the one that has little hearts and “Mrs. Joseph Stalin” scribbled all over it.
Incidentally, this might be why you get so few repeat houseguests.
Leonid Brezhnev, General Secretary of the Communist Party (1964-1982)
Let’s just enjoy this photo of Young Leonid Brezhenv and not ruin it by checking to see what he looked like when he grew up. Seriously—promise me you won’t look up photos of adult Leonid Brezhnev. PROMISE ME.
I’m going to leave this link right here, just to show how much I trust you.
Konstantin Chernenko, General Secretary of the Communist Party (1984-1985)
You guys, I think I’m starting to come around on Communism!
Mikhail Gorbachev, General Secretary of the Communist Party (1985-1991)
The story of how Mikhail Gorbachev went from being a hard-bitten private eye in 1940s Los Angeles to leader of the Soviet Union is a long and strange one. It starts with a dame walking into his office who he knew was going to be trouble.
Boris Yeltsin, President of Russia (1991-1996)
If you like men who wear giant collars and you don’t care how many fingers they have, then you are going to love young Boris Yeltsin!
Dmitry Medvedev, President of Russia (2008-2012)
Part of the USSR’s “glasnost” policy of openness during the late 1980’s was an exchange of fashion models with the West. That’s how Dmitry Medvedev came to appear in this J.C. Penny catalog.
Vladimir Putin, President of Russia (2000-2008, 2012-present)
Finally, let’s wrap things up with another picture of a ferret.
Just kidding! This is actually a photo of young Vladimir Putin. I only said he was a ferret because he looks like a ferret.