Sovereign of Vatican City
Pope Benedict XVI

Broc / Wikimedia Commons

Just in case God reads this website, I want to make sure it’s clear that JD is the one who doubts the hotness of Pope Benedict XVI. (Although this does raise the question: Can God read?)

The less-damned of us would argue that Pope Benedict XVI is kind of cute, in a scary-undereye-circles way. Like Benicio del Toro. Or a panda. And keep in mind that if he wanted to he could always transubstantiate into a hotter pope, or into a piece of bread. That’s what’s so fun about Catholicism.

All of that said, I do think Catholics should make hotness a slightly bigger factor when they are electing popes. Unless they chose a menacing-looking pope on purpose, in order to scare me into using birth control. (Or are they trying to scare me into not using birth control? I can never remember which one it is, so I’ve just been taking half a pill every day.)

Anyway, I think JD’s problem is just that the Pope is off the dating market, and JD always wants what he can’t have. I know he is breaking the 7th commandment (“Do not covet thy pope”), but please don’t smite him, God. He and I live in the same apartment, and I don’t want any of my stuff to be damaged in the smiting process. So if you have to smite him, could you please wait until he’s outside on the sidewalk? I’ll give a shout when he goes to take out the trash so you know when to do it. Amen.