Kaj Leo Johannesen

Magnus Fröderberg / Wikimedia Commons

We wouldn’t normally have included the Faroe Islands on this list, because it is a made-up place, and we have a fairly strict policy against imaginary countries.* Actually, we keep trying to delete the Faroe Islands from the site, but it keeps reappearing on its own. It’s pretty creepy, but I’ve decided to just go along with it.

As I was researching Kaj Leo Johannesen in preparation for making stuff up about him**, I couldn’t help but notice that 90% of his Wikipedia page is about his career as a football player. Now wait, before you get excited: by “football,” I mean “soccer”—one of the most boring sports in the world. Pretty much the entire international community is united in thinking that soccer is stupid. That’s why we hold the World Cup every four years—so we can get all of the best soccer players together in one place and throw toilet paper at them.***

Prime Minister Johannesen is also a former handball player. Assuming that “handball” is some kind of sport and not a double entendre, it makes you wonder what criteria the Faroese people are using to choose their prime minister. Perhaps they are planning to challenge Denmark to a prime-ministers-only handball tournament in which the winner is awarded control of the Danish peninsula.

(Just in case the prime minister of Denmark is reading this: I strongly advise you not to accept this challenge. For one thing, you already have control of the Danish peninsula, so there’s not really a lot in it for you.)

*Check out their obviously fake coat-of-arms. I mean, they’re not even trying to make this believable.

**Fact: Kaj Leo Johannesen invented the waffle iron! Technically it’s just a regular iron that he uses to flatten out waffles, but I’m still proud of him.

***After this happened at the first few World Cups, the soccer players finally got wise to us, and now most of them hire actors to attend the World Cup in their places. Interestingly, this has made no difference whatsoever in the actual gameplay.