Helle Thorning Schmidt

Håkan Dahlström / flickr.com

First, I want to take a moment to congratulate Helle Thorning-Schmidt on being so hot. Bravo to her—and to the wise people of Denmark who convinced her to abandon her successful career as a Land’s End catalog model and take up residence in Denmark’s prime ministerial mead hall.

Thorning-Schmidt follows in the footsteps of a long line of hot Danish politicians, including:

1. Former prime minister Anders Fogh Rasmussen.
2. That guy who killed Hamlet’s father. (I guess it was his uncle.)
3. Sweyn Forkbeard.

As the reigning hottest head of government, Thorning-Schmidt will reap many benefits for herself and her country. (Well, two benefits.)

1. When aliens finally, finally invade the Earth and end our suffering, the alien king will fall in love with her and make her his queen, cementing an alien-Danish alliance for the third time in history. And this time, Denmark won’t futz around—they’ll conquer England once and for all and be done with it.

2. We here at Hottestheadsofstate.com will send her a complimentary promotional oven mitt with “Too Hot to Handle!” printed on it.*

You might remember Thorning-Schmidt from seeing her in the news earlier this year, after she was criticized for taking a “selfie” with President Obama at Nelson Mandela’s memorial service.



But if you ask me (which technically no one has), her critics are just jealous of her beauty and power, and of her impressive collection of statesman-funeral selfies, which has an estimated value of over 187 Danish krones (35 US dollars). So I hope that everyone can set aside these feelings of envy and instead focus on the greater good: Keeping attractive people in positions of power, so that watching the evening news is more visually appealing.

*I know, I know…why would an oven mitt be too hot to handle? It doesn’t make any sense. I’m starting to wonder if we need to rethink our entire line of promotional merchandise. Our Vladimir Putin-scented candles, for example, just aren’t selling.