Not a day goes by that we don’t get a phone call from some world leader wanting to know what he or she can do to improve their ranking on our totally arbitrary list of the hottest world leaders.

Since we simply don’t have time to field all of these phone calls, I have prepared this helpful guide entitled “How to Improve Your Ranking on”

Stephen Harper waits patiently on the phone

Canadian prime minister Stephen Harper listens patiently to our hold music.*

How to Improve Your Ranking on

Dear Head of State or Government:

Congratulations on seizing the reins of power! Becoming a world leader is an important but often overlooked step to becoming one of the hottest world leaders.

Now you’re probably wondering, “I’m not such a bad-looking guy. Why am I only #117 on your list?” Well, Stephen Harper, it’s because of your creepy smile. But for the rest of you, there is hope! Here are five time-tested strategies that are guaranteed to maybe raise your ranking on

1. The best way to capture the coveted #1 spot on our list is to conquer all of the countries whose leaders are hotter than you. For example, if Alexander Lukashenko were to conquer Denmark, Bhutan, Mexico, the Democratic Republic of the Congo, Argentina, Luxembourg, Dominica, Ecuador, the Maldives, Russia, and Singapore, then he would become the hottest head of state in the world.** It’s just that simple! Also, it would be a lot easier for us to maintain this web site if there weren’t so many different countries to keep track of, so you would be doing us a favor because we’d have more time to watch TV. Thanks in advance!

2. If you don’t have a powerful army but you do have a knack for fomenting rebellion, another option is to overthrow the governments of other countries and install unattractive dictators. This is why U.S. presidents were always trying to overthrow Fidel Castro and install a naked mole rat in his place.

3. Get a makeover. This probably isn’t going rocket you into the top ten, but a sharp outfit could certainly move you up a few notches. It might even be as simple as needing to rethink the size of your hat.

4. You could also try the opposite strategy and somehow make all of the other heads of state less attractive. Maybe at the next UN General Assembly, you could set up a “Free Haircuts” booth and give everyone really bad haircuts. This is what happened to Kim Jong Un.***

5. If all else fails, you could always overthrow the creators of and seize control of their web site.

Wait, no! Forget you read that. And don’t re-read it.

Yours in solidarity,

*If you are not Stephen Harper, you are probably wondering what our hold music sounds like. Behold!

**I’ve thought a lot about this, and a good name for this empire would be Belamarkbhutmexcontinabourgdomidordivesrusapore.

***It’s true that North Korea isn’t part of the UN, but Kim Jong Un keeps coming every year for the free haircuts.