Mark Rutte

Fotograaf Nick van Ormondt

Recently I discovered that if you do a Google search for “Mark Rutte shirtless,” this web site is the first result.* I won’t tell you how I found this out, because it reveals far too much information about my personal life. But I will say that you don’t need to bother Googling “Mark Rutte in a tank top,” because it yields no satisfying results.

Intrigued, I did some research and learned that in the past 5 years, 33 people have visited this site after Googling “Mark Rutte shirtless.”** No doubt they were hoping to find a treasure trove of shirtless Mark Rutte photos, only to have their hopes dashed when they discovered that this is just an incoherent and infrequently updated “humor” web site with no shirtless Mark Rutte photos whatsoever. I picture these 33 people hurling their laptops against the wall in a fit of Mark-Rutte-induced sexual frustration, resulting in them being asked to leave Starbucks.***

This begs the question: why aren’t the Mark-Rutte paparazzi responding to the public demand for photos of Mark Rutte shirtless by staking out his swimming pool or something?**** Is Mark Rutte really so vigilant that he never takes off his shirt at all, even in the shower, which would explain why his shirt appears to be soaking wet at so many press conferences?

There is only one person who can end this madness, and it is Mark Rutte. I am calling on you, internet readers, to join me in a letter-writing campaign in which we ask Mark Rutte to release shirtless photos of himself on the internet. I could compose a letter for you to copy-and-paste, but it will sound more sincere if it comes from the heart, and also I am too lazy. Hopefully all of you speak Dutch, by the way!

*Note that this was before I wrote this post, in which I use the phrase “Mark Rutte shirtless” seventeen times.

**This is two fewer people than have visited this web site after Googling “Bashar al-Assad shirtless.”

***I have been thinking that it would be nice to monetize this web site using product placement. So heads up, Starbucks: you owe me a check! Or I’ll just continue to steal Splenda packets from your stores and we’ll call it even.

****Since the Netherlands is below sea level, Mark Rutte’s swimming pool is technically just his back yard.