President of Kazakhstan
Nursultan Nazarbaev

kremlin.ru

Sometimes, people ask “what’s the best country in Europe?” The answer is “Kazakhstan.” This should go without saying. But for those of you who’ve been living under a rock, here are the facts.

Fact: Kazakhstan is in Europe.
It’s a fact! Everything west of the Ural Mountains is part of Europe, and part of Kazakhstan is west of the Urals. If you’re not willing to accept that West Kazakhstan is part of Europe, then I am not willing to accept that the UK is part of Europe. (A sentiment in which I would join much of the UK.)


Fact: Kazakhstan is the same size as Western Europe.
So I assume that once it joins the EU, it will get the same number of MEPs as all of Western Europe put together. Better start being nicer to Kazakhstan, Western Europe! The Kazakhstanis have not forgotten that Sacha Baron Cohen “Borat” thing, nor the fact that he is English, nor have they forgiven him, or you. You might as well get the extradition case started now, to save time.


Fact: Soccer is even more boring to watch than most sports (which is saying something).
That means millions of Europeans are wasting their time engaged in spectating, betting, and hooliganism over an essentially boring sport. But Kazakhstan’s traditional equestrian sport of Kyz kuu is not boring! The name means “bride chasing,” and the sport proceeds as follows: a man on horseback chases a woman on horseback, and if he catches her he gets to try to kiss her, and if she gets away she gets to whip him. It’s basically a metaphor for every relationship you’ve ever been in that involved horses and whips.

And no fake injuries! When you’re beaten with a whip, you don’t need to fake it. So: Kazakhstan has better sports than the rest of Europe. Q.E.D.


Fact: Kazakhstan understands democracy better than most of its European counterparts.
Democracy is all about popular elections, right? So it stands to reason that the better you are at democracy, the better you are at getting votes. And Kazakhstan’s president, Nursultan Nazarbayev, got 97.7% of the vote in the last election. What?! Yes, it’s true! He is a ninja of democracy.

In fact, he should probably go ahead and run for president of the rest of the countries in Europe, spreading democracy to them. Do any of them have rules saying their presidents can’t be president of another country at the same time? Probably not! And certainly not if he hurries.